I've never considered myself to be a terribly miserable person. I generally think that I do a good job of portraying myself as the brightest ray of sunshine you've ever seen. But I won't lie: when I get down about something, I get really down. I fixate on it, I continually think about it and I obsess over it. My negativity is usually a result of choosing to focus on and pick out the worst parts of my day, the worst parts about myself and letting it eat away at my mind. But it never really occurred to me that my choice to be pessimistic affected anyone but myself. I never really thought about how my negative thoughts and emotions could be broadcast to those around me.
On the second day of classes, I had just the worst day (according to me in the moment. Looking back, it really was completely fine). All of my classes for this semester are harder than anything I've taken before, and instead of choosing to accept the challenge, I folded in on myself like a dying star. I convinced myself that I was not smart enough to be here, that I was going to have to turn to menial labor because I was going to have to drop out of school, but then of course that meant that I would have to have other marketable skills, which I then convinced myself that I didn't have. As you can see, I was literally just spiraling downward and completely shutting down. So I did something fairly foreign to me. I reached out to a friend, asking if they would help keep me company so that I wouldn't focus on my negativity. I'm not one to ask for help. I'm not one to ask to be around other people, again, because I convince myself that I'm actually a terrible bore and that everyone is only my friend out of pity, but somehow I found it in myself to put those thoughts out of my head for the two seconds it took for me to type out the words: "I'm sad. Can I come over?"
It was amazing to me at how quickly my mood changed after admitting I was sad, then making the choice to change it. I was able to say, "this is what's bothering me." Address it and move on. Maybe it was a miracle, I don't know, but whatever it was got me thinking. If I could make this small choice about my actions that helped make me happy, couldn't I just choose to be happy? Can't I create my own happiness and not rely on the world or other people to do it for me?
Of course I can. Making the choice to be happy isn't an easy one. It's actually really hard to go from seeing only the negative to listing all the good things that happened to you that day. It's hard to change your whole life, your whole outlook on things. Choosing happiness is definitely not an easy path, but it's something that I feel is very important. Of course I know that there are days where bad things will happen, because negativity is a part of life. But I choose to embrace it and look for the positive things that can and will come out of it. As they say, stars can't shine without darkness. I choose happiness for me because I deserve it.
