Everybody who knows me knows that I love trying new beers.
Discovering a new beer I like that also happens to be cheap is a huge advantage, so as a result I've tried a majority of the domestic and mass produced brands to see what I liked and didn't like. I've definitely come to love a few of them, and really dislike a lot too. However, describing the taste of something is often difficult, I've found. So I thought the most fun way to rate some of my favorite cheap beer would be by personifying them with online dating profiles.
Please note, these will definitely be mildly influenced by public perception of the beer or the brand, but will also represent my personal opinion in most cases. This is in all cases a joke, please don't date your beer. Enjoy responsibly!
Bud Light - 35 years old
Hey guys! The name is Bud. Sorry if I seem a little boring at first, but I promise if we hang out for a couple of hours, you won't be able to tell the difference between me and one of the cooler guys. I'm kind of broke, so dinner is on you, but at least it'll be something cheap like Taco Bell. I love people and I love to party.
Bud Weiser - 141 years old
They call me Bud Sr. I may be old, but I still love to party just as much as my son. I'm a real hit at frat parties, and you may have seen me on billboards. I'm kind of famous, but trashy famous. Not quite Miley Cyrus level, probably closer to the Kardashians. I find enjoyment in the simple things, and also raking in college students' money.
Heineken - 153 years old
Yes, I know my name is weird, I'm foreign. I've been dating for a while, and I've discovered people either love me or hate me, so just give me a chance. At the very least you can just hangout with me and pretend to be part of my culture, even though you obviously are not and are definitely belittling my entire culture by pretending to know everything about it just because we hung out once.
PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) - 173 years old
Hey, I won't bother introducing myself. I'm in a garage band that I'm sure you haven't heard of. We're pretty "alternative" so it's whatever. Me and my friends get together in our free time and make rad skateboarding home videos. Last week I broke my arm, it was pretty sick. We can chill in my room and eat day old pizza.
Miller Lite - 42 years old
I'm Miller Lite, spelled wrong because it sounds way more casual. I'm totally down with whatever, let's go to the beach, hangout at a bar, throw a party at home, anything to make me seem more relatable! I've been told I'm a solid 7/10 and I'm very proud of that.