During my freshman year, I'd tossed around the idea of switching majors. At first, I thought it would probably be best to just stick with what I already had since I'd be virtually throwing away 16 credits—an entire semester worth of work. Though, the idea wouldn't leave my head. I wasn't excited about my future and I needed a change.
Sophomore year started out great. I dipped my toes into my new major and everything finally felt right.
Until it didn't.
Well, I just didn't fit in anymore.
There's a certain amount of slack you give yourself as a freshman that all of a sudden disappears once you know your way around campus.
Suddenly, jobs and internships are things you have to have in order to fit in with the rest of the upperclassmen.
But that's hard. Especially as a sophomore starting out in an entirely new program. I was hearing about all these incredible things people in my new major were doing—yes, as sophomores.
And I thought, "I need that" and "why don't I have that?" along with "why am I not good enough?", "I'll never have what they have" and "I might as well quit while I'm ahead."
Needless to say, changing my major didn't come with all of the joy and excitement that I naively thought it would. I compared myself to everyone else who started out knowing exactly what they wanted. It made me feel like some sort of imposter. Like I didn't actually belong in the program and wouldn't ever achieve the things they already had years before.
Here's a little excerpt from one of my journal entries from the beginning of this semester—
And right now, I'm not trying at all and I could be doing so much more, but instead, it's almost 2:30 am and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I feel like everyone else had it all figured out from the beginning, and this is way harder than I thought it was going to be...
It's still hard. I'm still working on not comparing myself to other people who have so much more than I do. That doesn't mean I won't, it just means I don't, yet. I know I'll eventually catch up. I'll take the classes, join the clubs, get the internships, etc.
It just doesn't all have to happen at once.