Could we be any more obsessed with "Friends?" Ha ha! As any true Friendster knows, this is a classic line from everyone’s favorite sitcom about white people living in obscenely large apartments. But it’s been over a decade since the show aired its series finale on May 6, 2004. What have the cast members been up to since then? And why haven’t any of them signed on for my musical "President Flapsworth: An Owl in the Oval Office?"
David Schwimmer
Schwimmer won America’s heart as neurotic paleontologist Ross Gellar, which is especially impressive since Ross is the worst. Since then, Schwimmer has lent his voice to the "Madagascar" films, appeared on "American Crime Story," and continued to oversee the Lookingglass Theatre Company. But if this guy is so committed to the theatre, why has he refused to star in my new musical as Wilton Flapsworth, the first owl to become President of the United States? I’m positive that he’s the only person who could balance Flapsworth’s natural leadership and quiet insecurities with his nocturnal nature and love of hunting mice. But I guess he’s just too busy to make history.
Courtney Cox
Cox was the most famous Friend when the show began, but recently she’s focused on more low-profile projects like Dirt and Cougar Town. And while President Flapsworth may seem like a low-profile project now, a star of Cox’s caliber could really bring this important work the attention it deserves. I think Cox would be the perfect fit for the role of Millicent Flapsworth, Wilton’s faithful wife who reveals her own political aspirations through rousing numbers like “This Bird Has Flown the Coop (Impeachment Song)” and “360 Degrees of Vision, But You Are All I See.” But judging by the hundreds of unanswered emails I’ve sent her, I guess she feels differently.
Matt LeBlanc
LeBlanc starred on the Showtime comedy Episodes for years, but with that show ending, I thought the former Joey Tribbiani would be available to tackle the meaty role of Stu T. Brunswick, the bald eagle tasked with keeping Wilton safe. So far, none of my carrier pigeons (synergy!) have received a response from Mr. LeBlanc, so I’m forced to assume he’s too intimidated by the complicated ice dance choreography to take the part. (The entire musical is set on ice, but I can’t afford to rent out an ice rink, so as of now we will be rehearsing the musical on a frozen lake.) Matt, if you need help learning the moves, I will be happy to work with you one-on-one.
Lisa Kudrow
Kudrow received critical acclaim for her post-Friends sitcom The Comeback, and she has guest starred on shows like Scandal and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. She also appeared on BoJack Horseman as an owl, which makes her uniquely qualified to play Wilton’s daughter Fiona Flapsworth, who observes her father’s struggles with the Great Mouse Uprising (Upmicing?) of 1937 and is inspired to become a senator. But really, landing any celebrity would be huge for the musical. The Milwaukee Bird Sanctuary recently pulled their funding due to the graphic sex scene in Act Two, and I’ve already taken out a second mortgage on my house to fund rehearsals. If Lisa Kudrow doesn’t want me to end up on the streets, she should respond to my telegrams.
Matthew Perry
Honestly, I just offered Perry a part out of desperation. I guess he can play a concerned bird citizen if he really wants to, but if he thinks he can play Secretary of Birdseed Beak Mulligan, he is dead wrong.
Jennifer Aniston
Look, I know there’s no chance that a huge movie star like Jennifer Aniston would join "President Flapsworth". But this was my last Hail Mary effort to save the musical. Is it over four hours long? Yes. Does it spend too much time explaining the complex political history of Bird Europe? Sure. Is it a blatant, sometimes word-for-word ripoff of "Hamilton?" According to a recent lawsuit from Lin-Manuel Miranda, most definitely. But this is a labor of love, a proud and patriotic celebration of this great country we call America. Jennifer Aniston, if you’re reading this, please join my musical. Wilton Flapsworth needs you.
