You Cannot Make Someone Stay

You Cannot Make Someone Stay

And if you have to try, it isn't worth it

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Recently, I've been coming to terms with a harsh truth: you cannot make someone stay in your life when they don't want to. It hurts, it sucks, but it's true.

It's really hard to accept the fact that someone might not like you or care for you in the same way as you do for them, especially if you're a people-pleaser, if you are insecure in relationships, or if you rely on external validation for your self-image (me, me, and me). No matter what, though, it is always difficult to recognize when people are not serving a purpose in your life.

Not everyone who is going to leave your life is a toxic person. Some definitely are, and that's a completely separate conversation, but many are just people who, for one reason or another, are not connecting with you in the way you would hope to.

Sometimes people are in your life for a long time and the relationship morphs over time. Sometimes you meet people only briefly and the connection is one-sided. Sometimes the people who leave are people you love, and sometimes they are people you feel like you need.

The most important thing for me was learning to let people go, without taking the loss as a reflection of myself. That means accepting that not everyone will like you. Not because you are a bad person, not because you are unlovable, not because you are boring or annoying or horrible, but because they simply do not like you.

For me, it took time and a lot of internal reflection. I had to realize that I don't like everyone I meet, and I have certainly stopped liking people or gotten further from them over time. Sometimes that's just how life works.

You can't make someone stay by changing who you are. You shouldn't have to accommodate another person's every whim because you are desperate for them to be in your life, or like you, or reciprocate your affection. When you do this, you only mislead yourself. The longer you drag out an unhealthy relationship, the harder it gets to let it go, and the more it hurts when it ends.

You've heard it before, but it's absolutely true: if they want to be in your life, they will be. A healthy relationship doesn't look like one person constantly reaching out and making an effort. If someone isn't putting in the work to maintain your relationship, what benefit is that relationship to you?

Being in a one-sided relationship is draining: emotionally, physically, and mentally. You do not need to keep emptying yourself for someone who gives you nothing in return. You might feel angry or upset when you realize the one-sidedness of a relationship. That's okay. What isn't okay is blaming and guilting.

It is not someone else's fault if they aren't committed to a relationship you are keeping them in through emotional manipulation and guilt. You shouldn't feel bad if someone doesn't like you, but neither should they. In my own life, I had to realize that it wasn't fair to me or them to force a failing relationship.

The hardest part about letting people go is not holding anger or regret over it. It is no one's fault and no one is in the wrong. Let them go, and learn to appreciate the relationships you have with people who genuinely care for you, who serve you emotionally and spiritually, and who want to be a part of your life.

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The Truth About Young Marriage

Different doesn't mean wrong.
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When I was a kid, I had an exact picture in my mind of what my life was going to look like. I was definitely not the kind of girl who would get married young, before the age of 25, at least.

And let me tell you, I was just as judgmental as that sentence sounds.

I could not wrap my head around people making life-long commitments before they even had an established life. It’s not my fault that I thought this way, because the majority opinion about young marriage in today’s society is not a supportive one. Over the years, it has become the norm to put off marriage until you have an education and an established career. Basically, this means you put off marriage until you learn how to be an adult, instead of using marriage as a foundation to launch into adulthood.

When young couples get married, people will assume that you are having a baby, and they will say that you’re throwing your life away — it’s inevitable.

It’s safe to say that my perspective changed once I signed my marriage certificate at the age of 18. Although marriage is not always easy and getting married at such a young age definitely sets you up for some extra challenges, there is something to be said about entering into marriage and adulthood at the same time.

SEE ALSO: Finding A Husband In College

Getting married young does not mean giving up your dreams. It means having someone dream your dreams with you. When you get lost along the way, and your dreams and goals seem out of reach, it’s having someone there to point you in the right direction and show you the way back. Despite what people are going to tell you, it definitely doesn’t mean that you are going to miss out on all the experiences life has to offer. It simply means that you get to share all of these great adventures with the person you love most in the world.

And trust me, there is nothing better than that. It doesn’t mean that you are already grown up, it means that you have someone to grow with.

You have someone to stick with you through anything from college classes and changing bodies to negative bank account balances.

You have someone to sit on your used furniture with and talk about what you want to do and who you want to be someday.

Then, when someday comes, you get to look back on all of that and realize what a blessing it is to watch someone grow. Even after just one year of marriage, I look back and I am incredibly proud of my husband. I’m proud of the person he has become, and I’m proud of what we have accomplished together. I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.

“You can drive at 16, go to war at 18, drink at 21, and retire at 65. So who can say what age you have to be to find your one true love?" — One Tree Hill
Cover Image Credit: Sara Donnelli Photography

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If Shonda Can Do A Year Of Yes, Then So Can I

Yes.

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A few years ago, Shonda Rimes decided to do a year of saying yes, after her sister told her she says "No" to everything. It ended up changing her life.

So, I've decided to embark on my own year of yes.

Sure, it may be easy to say yes to everything when you're a millionaire with a bunch of record-setting televisions shows, but the rest of us can do it too.

Say yes to treating yourself.

Say yes to taking care of yourself.

Say yes to saying no, don't stretch yourself too thin.

Say yes to new opportunities

The year of yes is about taking better care of yourself.

My year of yes starts right now.

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