Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is that an acorn swiftly falling toward you?

If you happen to live anywhere near a college campus, the answer is yes, it is an acorn. Why is it falling towards you?

Squirrels.

It’s simple. Squirrels run your campus.

The sooner you understand that, the better.

Everyone says they have the best squirrels on their campus, but in reality, squirrels are a measure of your campus’ worthiness.

The population and behavioral aspects of the squirrels around you should depict how successful, prestigious, and worthwhile your campus is.

If you see millions of squirrels running around campus, it is a positive sign.

No squirrels?

No problem—leave the premises immediately and investigate just how “great” your campus truly is.

Campus Squirrels learn from it’s student population, so if there are none around you can assume they have died and are therefore not smart enough to maintain high academic standing at your university—aka you can’t.

It’s basic science, people.

And what is this about asserting your dominance?

Peasant—bow down to the Campus Squirrels. They are royalty so treat them as such.

Squirrels are life.

Gossip Squirrel is real. How do you think that rumor about you and you-know-who got out? Definitely not your nemesis. More than likely, a squirrel whisperer got a tipsy squirrel talking and now you're the talk of the campus.

Thank the Gossip Squirrel.

They deserve better than the boring acorns they’ve subsisted on since your campus was founded. Let’s offer them good, wholesome, almonds so they too, can stay healthy and become your new, independent, friend.

Did you know squirrels purr? If you like kittens, squirrels are like kittens except there’s no need for a litter box because they don’t even poop.

Where does squirrel poop even go?

I don’t know, but it sure beats cleaning a litter box.

Here’s a little video depicting some squirrel convos.

Here’s a link to ratings based on squirrel population. Take a look if you dare know the truth about your campus.