"GB, you know!"
There are those moments when it seems as if cutting off all ties with friends and family is the only way survive. When those times come, a new community emerges out of what seems like nothingness. Camp Gender Benders is that community for me. I heard about Camp Gender Benders from one of my role models, Liam, and his wife. I was quite skeptical about attending when I first heard about it. Even though I knew that there would be a community of people just like me, most of them understanding what I am going through as a transgender person, I was still afraid that they would not accept me. I have always had this underlying fear that people would not be able to accept me because of all the baggage that I carry, but this was not the case at Camp Gender Benders.
This feeling followed me the first night at camp, when I had to come to terms with my sobriety. That night, I truly wanted to give in and do what everyone else was doing. Because of what my habit has done to me in the past, I could not allow myself to drink, and it was one of the hardest things that I had to do. I had to separate myself from the people in my cabin dorm, and I began feeling isolated from the community. I knew that it wasn't true, and that my community loved me, but in that moment it was really hard for me to believe that any of them cared. As I sat on the porch reflecting on what I was feeling, one of the co-founders of Gender Benders, Ivy Gibson-Hill, sat with me and made me feel like I was truly a part of the community. Yet, I still felt like I was a burden on those at the camp.
The entire weekend, we talked about the importance of community and really being there for each other at Camp GB. I allowed my social anxiety to convince me that the community did not include me, even though many made it clear that they valued my presence in the community. I never truly believed it until the camp showed up for me when I got stung by a herd of yellow jackets during my Spirit Walk. It wasn't until this moment that I finally allowed myself to be immersed in the community and allowed myself to be loved. I was finally willing to accept the help that others had been offering all weekend. There were many who rushed to get help for me, got the bugs off me, and helped get me on the golf cart and to safety.
It did not stop when it came time for me to go to the hospital. Even when the EMTs were talking to me, I remember hearing people tell the EMTs to use my pronouns and to use my name. That was incredible to me because I never had anyone do that for me. It took a lot of bugs stinging me to realize the unbelievably good company that I was in. Even when arriving back on the campgrounds, I had dinner, because someone got dinner for me and the two people who went to the hospital with me. From that moment on, I opened up and allowed the community to love me. This was such an unbelievably good step for me, because I have always had problems trusting people and allowing people to love me.
Upon returning from the hospital, some of the campers brought my journal to me, and my journal was filled with unbelievably sweet notes from almost every camper. I never felt more love in my life than I felt in that moment. I felt loved. I felt worthy. I felt like a part of the transgender community. I felt as though I was part of the Gender Benders community. Despite the fact that I'm still dealing with yellow jacket stings from last Saturday, I've found community with the Gender Benders and I've found family. That is the greatest gift that weekend gave me; I am loved and worthy enough to be a part of the Gender Benders family, and my past does not determine whether or not someone, or a group of people, will love me. Gender Benders has empowered me and saved me.
