I recently completed my junior year of college. Needless to say, I spent the past year doing things most college students do. I stayed up far too late working on assignments I had procrastinated. I drank far too much caffeine to get me through my daily routines. I dealt with more emotions than I even knew existed. And I also drank a bit too much beer. Despite my poor habits and high levels of stress, I walked away from the past year with fantastic grades. Even though my life looks top notch on paper, I began my summer feeling drained and empty. Summertime used to represent freedom and fun! Summer for a college student represents full time work and more sleep deprivation. No matter the time of year, my body is in a constant state of discomfort.

Driving home from work on a hot and muggy summer day, I began to wonder. Why can’t I catch a break? What would I have to do to just be able to lie around and not worry about how I am going to afford to eat? Or what assignment is due when and what the hell I am going to do after I graduate? Just as I walked into my house, the answer to my question dawned on me as I starred at a nine-pound blob of fur chillin’ on my couch. I need to turn in my textbooks for a life of leisure.

I need to become a cat. Cats have the most desirable life. Cats get fed on a schedule. And if for any reason they do not like the food that was provided, the cat can go on a hunger strike until the preferred food is magically placed in front of them. Cats have no sense of responsibility beside the occasional catch of a mouse, and even then the expectations are not all that high. Cats live a life full of relaxation and ease. Cats sleep the majority of their lives with little care to respond to interaction that is initiated from the local human. Cats also almost always land on their feet. So basically, being a cat means no matter what stressful things life may throw at you, the response is to take a nap and no matter what, you will always wind right side up.

Cats are intelligent animals that make the choice to do nothing, rather than selecting a social science career path that is going to take eight years to receive the degrees necessary, only to wind up with a minimum wage job. Clearly, being a cat is the best decision for a college student that does not want to think about “adulting” after graduation. So please, everyone do me a favor and call me Whiskers.