She looked me straight in the eye and said something that took me a minute to process. It was full of grace but also carried a stinging truth, reminding me that I have so much to work on. It left me silent, my mind turning.

She said it because she loves me and I have always asked her to give me the truth in love. What my best friend, my confidant, my crazy fun partner in crime looked me dead in the face and said to me stopped me in my tracks. She said:

“You can’t punish the next guy for what the ones in the past have done. That’s not fair for him, whoever he is. And you have to learn the difference between guarding your heart and building up walls.”

I just looked at her. The girl who knows all my secrets, all my past hurts, all my little victories, everything. She knows me like the back of her hand. But, I looked at her and wondered how in the world she knew just what I needed to hear?

When she told me I should not chastise the next guy that comes into my life because of what guys in the past have put me through, my mind rushed back to those things. The lies that I so easily believed, the words I so quickly assumed to be genuine, the feelings sworn to be true which turned out to be the furthest from it. All of these are things I want to prevent from taking place again. I want to protect myself from the emotions that come along with believing half-truths and always giving people the benefit of the doubt, but the way to do that is not by building walls and refusing to let anyone in. No, the way to do that is to guard your heart. And there is a huge difference between the two.

Philippians 4:6-7 reminds us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Paul communicates that prayer is the pathway to guarding our hearts and minds with the peace of God. Guarding your heart is the result of clear communication with the Lord.

When we become hurt in any relationship, whether it is a friendship, a romantic relationship, or any other sort, it is because our hearts are unguarded. This takes place when we are not seeking God’s desires. Rather than depending on your own understanding and priorities for the relationship, you must seek after God’s heart.

Proverbs 4:23 states, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Solomon accurately understood that what you do flows from who you are. This is why it is necessary to guard your heart and take care to not just lay brick after brick, building a wall that secludes.

Guarding your heart is so much more than protecting yourself from too much intimacy. Instead, it is a step in protecting your character. If you fail to view the act of guarding your heart as a means to protect your character, it will remain a legalistic, minimalistic endeavor in your life.

I think what my sweet friend was trying to communicate to me was that maybe I should guard my heart with a picket fence, not by building up a brick wall. In another recent conversation she reminded me, “Some boys in your past have cheated their way to the top of the walls you have already built, but others will come along that will climb over those walls one step at a time. They will play by the rules, earn your trust, and prove to you that not all guys will try to scale the wall in one day.”

A fence versus a wall. They both protect. They both keep out unwanted guests. But they are so very different. You can look through a fence and see what is on the other side; you can stare at a brick wall for hours and you will never be able to see what is on the other side. A fence is sturdy, but not immoveable. In contrast, a brick wall would take lots of time to chip away at.

When it comes to interactions with others, would you want to have conversation that flows or one that seems like it takes 39 questions just to figure out their hobbies? Would you prefer to practice a little vulnerability which could lead to a greater understanding of one another or are you satisfied with the conversations being surface level and meaningless? Would you rather act in humility to show someone you care or remain prideful and leave them guessing how you feel about them?

The most challenging thing is that there isn’t a right and a wrong answer. Putting up fences isn’t the right choice while building walls is the wrong choice. Walls aren’t better than fences and fences aren’t the answer to all your problems. But, guarding your heart and not allowing anyone in are very different concepts that should not be mistaken for one another.

I have realized that the brick walls I have worked so tirelessly to put up are reaping no benefits in my life. I am making the decision to slowly take the bricks down one by one and replace them with fence posts. I am working on guarding rather than obstructing and learning that people from my past have no control over me. Constantly, I am reminded of what my friend so correctly stated: you can’t punish the next guy for what previous guys have done.

Sure, you can build walls and run the other way. You can remain stuck in the yuck of the past and let it chain you to hostile memories. Or you can work on replacing your walls with fences and see what opportunities come your way. You can let your past define you or you can take the lessons you’ve learned from it and move forward. The choice is yours.

Really, it just comes down to one simple question: are you going to post up a picket fence or are you going to build a brick wall?