(Disclaimer: This is my first attempt at satirical writing, which is something that I've always found intriguing and something I've wanted to give a try myself. So please do not take anything to heart.)
CORAL GABLES-- We are all aware that The U invented swagger. But, a team of researchers at The University of Miami have unearthed new evidence that may change the way we think about swag.
Today's society is facing unique challenges that the nation must face in this unstable time. One commodity that is being used to confront this, which is currently very high-in-demand, is swagger.
Swagger can solve many real word problems.
As UM School of Arts and Science professor Adam Rofe said, swagger "can save lives, because the fight that ensues over what Jordan shoe is better, the XX8 or the XXIV can be avoided if both belligerents know that they indeed have swagger and don't need expensive shoes to be seen favorably." Rofe mentioned that he and his team's findings will have a positive economic effect because swag-seekers will spend their money where they know they can get their hands on swagger.
Angelica DeBartolo, an Economics Professor at the U, agrees with Rofe's point of the economics of swag: "When people spend their money on swag instead of extra guac or on frappuccinos, the community thrives and we can open up even more Starbucks and Chipotles."
But we may have stumbled upon new findings that show where swagger was invented. We all know it happened here at The U, but where? Millions of people have an interest in what specific spot it was invented.
"I absolutely love the concept of swag," said 88-year-old Betty Houle, "That is the biggest reason I left my house in Great Neck and bought real estate in Boca Raton, so I could be closer to UM and the swag it has imprinted on this nation." Like most 88-year-old women, Houle enjoys listening to Lil Wayne, Ca$h Ca$h and Kodak Black.
Since the 80s, when the University of Miami began winning football national titles, swagger has been as prevalent on the Coral Gables campus as fireball, BMWs, and people frustrated with CaneLink. But certain people have always wondered precisely where they can find the birthplace of swag, to the very inch.
"I need to know exactly swagger was invested, it is one of my biggest needs, right up there with farmers market acai bowls and my Amazon Prime account," says UM student Ritika Budka, who is also a P100 tour guide at the school. "We are a top 50 school in the nation, with the number-one race/class interaction according to Princeton Review, and parents always ask me on tours, show us the swag. Come on, you can tell us, we won't tell anyone! The kids are a bit more focused on academics so they are often embarrassed by their parents. I don't know where the swag was first developed but I would love to find out someday."
She may soon find out. UM's College of Arts and Sciences, Miller School of Medicine, School of Nursing and Health Sciences (SONHS), Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science (RSMAS), and School of Communication all teamed up to find the place where the swag was first made. To find the spot they were looking for, down the centimeter, they looked for several things: Big Baller Brand shoes per cubic inch, better known by its metric (SI) name of Kilolonzos. Beats By Dre headphones per cubic meter, also known by its SI name, centibuckets.
And finally, arguably the most telling sign of nearby swag is the unit known as Chainz, determined by the number of homemade turnover chains per cubic foot.
So where did the researchers find? They walked around everywhere, checked every building, they got stuck in the elevator in Stanford Residential College, they got distracted by the shot glasses in the bookstore while looking there, and couldn't even find luck in the Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson football locker room.
A professor was in his car on the way to work when he noticed something. Gables One Tower is a building across from campus on US-1 that nobody knows anything about. It's a plain white building and appears to have less swag than an 8 AM lecture or our football stadium pre-renovation. But reality may be the contrary. Just outside, the building, exactly 17 turnover chains were spotted by the professor, in addition to the 57 Z02 Big Baller Brand basketball shoes and 84 Beats By Dre headphones.
"It is shocking to me that swag was actually invented at Gables One Tower. I always assumed the building... well I don't know. I didn't know there was a real use for it, that it was just there. This totally changes my view of things," said fellow researcher Peter Ricca, a graduate student in RSMAS.