BREAKING: UM Researchers May Have Discovered Where Swagger Was Invented

BREAKING: UM Researchers May Have Discovered Where Swagger Was Invented

A game changer.
(Disclaimer: This is my first attempt at satirical writing, which is something that I've always found intriguing and something I've wanted to give a try myself. So please do not take anything to heart.)

CORAL GABLES-- We are all aware that The U invented swagger. But, a team of researchers at The University of Miami have unearthed new evidence that may change the way we think about swag.

Today's society is facing unique challenges that the nation must face in this unstable time. One commodity that is being used to confront this, which is currently very high-in-demand, is swagger.

Swagger can solve many real word problems.

As UM School of Arts and Science professor Adam Rofe said, swagger "can save lives, because the fight that ensues over what Jordan shoe is better, the XX8 or the XXIV can be avoided if both belligerents know that they indeed have swagger and don't need expensive shoes to be seen favorably." Rofe mentioned that he and his team's findings will have a positive economic effect because swag-seekers will spend their money where they know they can get their hands on swagger.

Angelica DeBartolo, an Economics Professor at the U, agrees with Rofe's point of the economics of swag: "When people spend their money on swag instead of extra guac or on frappuccinos, the community thrives and we can open up even more Starbucks and Chipotles."

But we may have stumbled upon new findings that show where swagger was invented. We all know it happened here at The U, but where? Millions of people have an interest in what specific spot it was invented.

"I absolutely love the concept of swag," said 88-year-old Betty Houle, "That is the biggest reason I left my house in Great Neck and bought real estate in Boca Raton, so I could be closer to UM and the swag it has imprinted on this nation." Like most 88-year-old women, Houle enjoys listening to Lil Wayne, Ca$h Ca$h and Kodak Black.

Since the 80s, when the University of Miami began winning football national titles, swagger has been as prevalent on the Coral Gables campus as fireball, BMWs, and people frustrated with CaneLink. But certain people have always wondered precisely where they can find the birthplace of swag, to the very inch.

"I need to know exactly swagger was invested, it is one of my biggest needs, right up there with farmers market acai bowls and my Amazon Prime account," says UM student Ritika Budka, who is also a P100 tour guide at the school. "We are a top 50 school in the nation, with the number-one race/class interaction according to Princeton Review, and parents always ask me on tours, show us the swag. Come on, you can tell us, we won't tell anyone! The kids are a bit more focused on academics so they are often embarrassed by their parents. I don't know where the swag was first developed but I would love to find out someday."

She may soon find out. UM's College of Arts and Sciences, Miller School of Medicine, School of Nursing and Health Sciences (SONHS), Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science (RSMAS), and School of Communication all teamed up to find the place where the swag was first made. To find the spot they were looking for, down the centimeter, they looked for several things: Big Baller Brand shoes per cubic inch, better known by its metric (SI) name of Kilolonzos. Beats By Dre headphones per cubic meter, also known by its SI name, centibuckets.

And finally, arguably the most telling sign of nearby swag is the unit known as Chainz, determined by the number of homemade turnover chains per cubic foot.

So where did the researchers find? They walked around everywhere, checked every building, they got stuck in the elevator in Stanford Residential College, they got distracted by the shot glasses in the bookstore while looking there, and couldn't even find luck in the Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson football locker room.

A professor was in his car on the way to work when he noticed something. Gables One Tower is a building across from campus on US-1 that nobody knows anything about. It's a plain white building and appears to have less swag than an 8 AM lecture or our football stadium pre-renovation. But reality may be the contrary. Just outside, the building, exactly 17 turnover chains were spotted by the professor, in addition to the 57 Z02 Big Baller Brand basketball shoes and 84 Beats By Dre headphones.

"It is shocking to me that swag was actually invented at Gables One Tower. I always assumed the building... well I don't know. I didn't know there was a real use for it, that it was just there. This totally changes my view of things," said fellow researcher Peter Ricca, a graduate student in RSMAS.

Cover Image Credit: Original Photo

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The End Of The Semester As Told By Todd Chrisley

Because we're all a little dramatic like Todd sometimes.

The last 3-4 weeks of every college student’s semester are always crazy hectic. We have last minute assignments, group projects, and exams all squeezed into the last few weeks before break.

Sometimes we all need a little humor, and sometimes we are all a little dramatic, so why not experience the last few weeks of the semester as told by the king of drama himself, Todd Chrisley of Chrisley Knows Best.

1. Sitting in class listening to your professor explain upcoming assignments/exams.

2. When your group project members refuse to do anything until the night before it's due or just show up the day of to present.

3. When you and your roommate try to cook with whatever few ingredients you have left in stock.

Because we definitely want to avoid going to the grocery store at the end of the semester if we can.

4. When your parents get tired of you calling them about every little inconvenience in your life.

5. Sitting down to work on assignments.

6. Your thoughts when the professor is telling you what they want from you out of an assignment.

7. When you've had about 30 mental breakdowns in 2 days.

8. Trying to search out the class for the right group members.

9. The last few days of classes where everyone and everything is getting on your nerves.

10. When your friend suggests going out but you're just done with the world.

11. This. On the daily.

12. When all you want to do is snuggle up and watch Christmas movies.

13. Studying and realizing you know nothing.

14. When your finals are over and it's finally time to go home for break.

You're finally back to your old self.

Cover Image Credit: Instagram

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A Step By Step Of How Your Thanksgiving Will Actually Go

Every year we think it will go differently, and yet...


It's pre-Christmas, and it will be a day of stress, love, and wonderful food.

1. You wake up to the sounds of a parent slamming pots and pans on the counter top


It is time. The day has begun and your mom or dad will start yelling for you any minute.

2. You finally make it downstairs and you're assigned your tasks before family arrives


There will be the "Make this table," or the "Dust the entire house because your cousins are coming and they won't notice but your aunt sure will. Oh, and please stay out of the kitchen." You know, the usual.

3. You try to eat breakfast and lunch but honestly you can not WAIT for dinner tonight and the smells coming from the kitchen are overwhelming


What are we celebrating again? I'm just excited to eat.

4. You rush and make your way to the grocery store at least once (maybe twice) because your parents can't leave the kitchen


"You would think mom wouldn't forget anything for tonight, but I guess it is pretty easy to forget gravy when you're making a million other dishes," you think to yourself as you try to defend the forgetfulness.

5. You spend a few hours feeling bored as you wait for your family members to arrive because you still aren't allowed in the kitchen and you find yourself watching that one "Friends" episode to kill some time. 


Football or "Friends"? Honestly I should ask my mom if she needs more help but I'll just keep watching this.

6. Your family finally arrives 


It is suddenly overwhelmingly loud and you now get to talk about your life for the next few hours. Food cannot come soon enough.

7. Hours and hours seemed to go by but dinner is finally ready


At llllaaaassssstttttttttt, my dinnnnnnneeeeerrrrrrrr will be mmmmiiiinnneeeeeeeeee!

8. You have to sit through and listen to either heated debate or six conversations at once while you eat 


Honestly, I'll just keep quiet and enjoy these mashed potatoes for their deliciousness.

9. You get one look from your mom and suddenly your busting the whole table


But hey, there are worse things in life. For instance, I'm not even toughing that turkey carcass I don't care what my parents say.

10. It's round two. You've been waiting for that pie all day 


There's this cool thing called a dessert stomach where you have more room for dessert than you did five minutes ago. Isn't that great?!?

11. Your family slowly starts to leave, and the food coma starts to settle in 


It's been a great meal, even if there was some arguing. At the end of it all, it's still been a great thanksgiving.

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