BREAKING: UM Researchers May Have Discovered Where Swagger Was Invented

BREAKING: UM Researchers May Have Discovered Where Swagger Was Invented

A game changer.
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(Disclaimer: This is my first attempt at satirical writing, which is something that I've always found intriguing and something I've wanted to give a try myself. So please do not take anything to heart.)

CORAL GABLES-- We are all aware that The U invented swagger. But, a team of researchers at The University of Miami have unearthed new evidence that may change the way we think about swag.

Today's society is facing unique challenges that the nation must face in this unstable time. One commodity that is being used to confront this, which is currently very high-in-demand, is swagger.

Swagger can solve many real word problems.

As UM School of Arts and Science professor Adam Rofe said, swagger "can save lives, because the fight that ensues over what Jordan shoe is better, the XX8 or the XXIV can be avoided if both belligerents know that they indeed have swagger and don't need expensive shoes to be seen favorably." Rofe mentioned that he and his team's findings will have a positive economic effect because swag-seekers will spend their money where they know they can get their hands on swagger.

Angelica DeBartolo, an Economics Professor at the U, agrees with Rofe's point of the economics of swag: "When people spend their money on swag instead of extra guac or on frappuccinos, the community thrives and we can open up even more Starbucks and Chipotles."

But we may have stumbled upon new findings that show where swagger was invented. We all know it happened here at The U, but where? Millions of people have an interest in what specific spot it was invented.

"I absolutely love the concept of swag," said 88-year-old Betty Houle, "That is the biggest reason I left my house in Great Neck and bought real estate in Boca Raton, so I could be closer to UM and the swag it has imprinted on this nation." Like most 88-year-old women, Houle enjoys listening to Lil Wayne, Ca$h Ca$h and Kodak Black.

Since the 80s, when the University of Miami began winning football national titles, swagger has been as prevalent on the Coral Gables campus as fireball, BMWs, and people frustrated with CaneLink. But certain people have always wondered precisely where they can find the birthplace of swag, to the very inch.

"I need to know exactly swagger was invested, it is one of my biggest needs, right up there with farmers market acai bowls and my Amazon Prime account," says UM student Ritika Budka, who is also a P100 tour guide at the school. "We are a top 50 school in the nation, with the number-one race/class interaction according to Princeton Review, and parents always ask me on tours, show us the swag. Come on, you can tell us, we won't tell anyone! The kids are a bit more focused on academics so they are often embarrassed by their parents. I don't know where the swag was first developed but I would love to find out someday."

She may soon find out. UM's College of Arts and Sciences, Miller School of Medicine, School of Nursing and Health Sciences (SONHS), Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science (RSMAS), and School of Communication all teamed up to find the place where the swag was first made. To find the spot they were looking for, down the centimeter, they looked for several things: Big Baller Brand shoes per cubic inch, better known by its metric (SI) name of Kilolonzos. Beats By Dre headphones per cubic meter, also known by its SI name, centibuckets.

And finally, arguably the most telling sign of nearby swag is the unit known as Chainz, determined by the number of homemade turnover chains per cubic foot.

So where did the researchers find? They walked around everywhere, checked every building, they got stuck in the elevator in Stanford Residential College, they got distracted by the shot glasses in the bookstore while looking there, and couldn't even find luck in the Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson football locker room.

A professor was in his car on the way to work when he noticed something. Gables One Tower is a building across from campus on US-1 that nobody knows anything about. It's a plain white building and appears to have less swag than an 8 AM lecture or our football stadium pre-renovation. But reality may be the contrary. Just outside, the building, exactly 17 turnover chains were spotted by the professor, in addition to the 57 Z02 Big Baller Brand basketball shoes and 84 Beats By Dre headphones.

"It is shocking to me that swag was actually invented at Gables One Tower. I always assumed the building... well I don't know. I didn't know there was a real use for it, that it was just there. This totally changes my view of things," said fellow researcher Peter Ricca, a graduate student in RSMAS.


Cover Image Credit: Original Photo

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What If

Have you ever thought about it?
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What if you loved me the same you did 2 years ago? What if I made you as happy as she does? What if I was as pretty as her? What if I was different? What if I changed who I was? What if you never met her, would you still be with me? What if you came back after I begged for you to? What if you loved me the same amount as I loved you? What if you cared like I did?

These thoughts have gone through my head multiply times. We have so many questions that will never be answered. All of these "What if" questions, will only be "What if". That's all they will ever be. Some questions, are not meant to be answered. Sometimes you don't even want the answer, cause you're to afraid to know the truth. I know I am afraid to know the truth. I don't want to know what went through your head when all of this went through mine.

What if you were still here? What if I listened and done everything right? What if I never met you? What if I didn't message you first?

Would it be different, if I knew the answers to all of these questions? More than likely, everything would still be the same. You still would have left, you still would have found her, you still would have fell in love with someone else. Not everything is a fairytale, hearts are sometimes meant to be broken. It makes you a more stronger person and it helps you develop as a person. Not everything goes as planned, but everything happens for a reason. That's what you said at least.

What if I listened to everyone when they said not to go for you? What if I left? What if I broke your heart?

What if

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A Reflection Of Becoming Popular On Social Media

About a year ago, I began to attain a following on social media, and now I want to reflect on how it has changed my life.
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If you are reading this from somewhere in the Merrimack Valley area, you may know my name and face from my snapchat. It has been almost an entire year since I started a particular routine on the app, and it doesn't seem to be going away soon. Every day, I still get at least ten or so requests to do what I call "noonanite shoutouts" on my story, and new people I don't even know from other towns keep discovering me somehow. It has even gotten popular to the point where I walk into my local Market Basket, and people say hello and recognize me exclusively from my snapchat. Since the one year anniversary will be approaching in the coming weeks, I thought it would be a great time to reflect and explain how this routine and fame has greatly changed my everyday life, and how I hope to inspire other social media addicts to find an audience for their content.

To begin, let us trace back to February 2017, when this phenomena all began. Originally, I had some friends in my math class who I wanted to thank for making me these small squares made of glass and ceramic. In particular, they wanted me to give them a shout out on my snapchat story. For anyone who doesn’t know what a shout out is, allow me to explain. A shout out is when a person (usally on social media in this day and age), brings attention to a particular group or person by saying their same on their social media platform. Although I figured this would be the only one I would ever do, I was proven wrong very quickly. Those same friends began to ask me to do more and more, and eventually other people at my school latched on. Within a week or so, people were adding me left and right from my home town. At this point of rising popularity, I decided to dub them “noonanite” shoutouts as reference to my last name “Noonan” with “-ite” at the end. Noonanite shoutouts started to become the talk of my town, when my views went from about 80 or so to over 400 within the first week. Additionally, they became more than just saying a particular name over my snapchat account, with additional details about particular people being thrown left and right. Groups of friends began to joke around with each other, by having me state something humurous or controversial about their friends. Soon after these initial weeks, I began to attain a younger following of middle schoolers and even people from various other towns around the area. In a sense, I became a local legend.

In general, I would say that my snapchat stardom has made me feel a sense of accomplishment that I have always desired. If you ever knew me personally before, you would know that I am someone who loves attention and wishes to win over those he meets in his lifetime. By having so many people laugh and smile at my simple snapchat routine, I feel that I have won a lot of people over in a way, and that satisifies me for the most part. However, the positivity doesn’t stop there. It is hard to describe in words how incredible it feels to be rceognized by people like a celebrity when I enter local public places. As stated at the beginning with the Market Basket example, a lot of people now know me from my shoutouts. This not only makes me feel more connected with people around me, but like someone that people really admire. I have had people that have cheered at sighting me in public and even asked for my autograph. Of course, I have never declined this kind of positive attention. In other words, I find the rising popularity of Noonanite Shoutouts to be an overall positive experience for me to get a taste a fame and having a fandom like never before. Additionally, I have found better ways to determine what shout outs are humurous and which are not.

Essentially, the gradual rise in followers from my snapchat routine has lead to a mostly positive outcome for me. Not only am I happy that I have a following and get a good amount of attention, but that I have even have fans at all! I understand that my fame isn’t really that huge in relation to a true social media celebrity, but within my community it feels quite large. I also hope that I inspire my fans of all ages, to realize that at any time a simple request of a friend could turn into a growing source of attention and praise. Fame can be found in many unlikely places, and in my case, I hope that some day it will grow to something even greater than I have ever seen before. Overall, Noonanite shoutouts have been very sweet to me and my ambitions in life.

Cover Image Credit: Toni Hukkanen

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