BREAKING: UM Researchers May Have Discovered Where Swagger Was Invented

BREAKING: UM Researchers May Have Discovered Where Swagger Was Invented

A game changer.
(Disclaimer: This is my first attempt at satirical writing, which is something that I've always found intriguing and something I've wanted to give a try myself. So please do not take anything to heart.)

CORAL GABLES-- We are all aware that The U invented swagger. But, a team of researchers at The University of Miami have unearthed new evidence that may change the way we think about swag.

Today's society is facing unique challenges that the nation must face in this unstable time. One commodity that is being used to confront this, which is currently very high-in-demand, is swagger.

Swagger can solve many real word problems.

As UM School of Arts and Science professor Adam Rofe said, swagger "can save lives, because the fight that ensues over what Jordan shoe is better, the XX8 or the XXIV can be avoided if both belligerents know that they indeed have swagger and don't need expensive shoes to be seen favorably." Rofe mentioned that he and his team's findings will have a positive economic effect because swag-seekers will spend their money where they know they can get their hands on swagger.

Angelica DeBartolo, an Economics Professor at the U, agrees with Rofe's point of the economics of swag: "When people spend their money on swag instead of extra guac or on frappuccinos, the community thrives and we can open up even more Starbucks and Chipotles."

But we may have stumbled upon new findings that show where swagger was invented. We all know it happened here at The U, but where? Millions of people have an interest in what specific spot it was invented.

"I absolutely love the concept of swag," said 88-year-old Betty Houle, "That is the biggest reason I left my house in Great Neck and bought real estate in Boca Raton, so I could be closer to UM and the swag it has imprinted on this nation." Like most 88-year-old women, Houle enjoys listening to Lil Wayne, Ca$h Ca$h and Kodak Black.

Since the 80s, when the University of Miami began winning football national titles, swagger has been as prevalent on the Coral Gables campus as fireball, BMWs, and people frustrated with CaneLink. But certain people have always wondered precisely where they can find the birthplace of swag, to the very inch.

"I need to know exactly swagger was invested, it is one of my biggest needs, right up there with farmers market acai bowls and my Amazon Prime account," says UM student Ritika Budka, who is also a P100 tour guide at the school. "We are a top 50 school in the nation, with the number-one race/class interaction according to Princeton Review, and parents always ask me on tours, show us the swag. Come on, you can tell us, we won't tell anyone! The kids are a bit more focused on academics so they are often embarrassed by their parents. I don't know where the swag was first developed but I would love to find out someday."

She may soon find out. UM's College of Arts and Sciences, Miller School of Medicine, School of Nursing and Health Sciences (SONHS), Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science (RSMAS), and School of Communication all teamed up to find the place where the swag was first made. To find the spot they were looking for, down the centimeter, they looked for several things: Big Baller Brand shoes per cubic inch, better known by its metric (SI) name of Kilolonzos. Beats By Dre headphones per cubic meter, also known by its SI name, centibuckets.

And finally, arguably the most telling sign of nearby swag is the unit known as Chainz, determined by the number of homemade turnover chains per cubic foot.

So where did the researchers find? They walked around everywhere, checked every building, they got stuck in the elevator in Stanford Residential College, they got distracted by the shot glasses in the bookstore while looking there, and couldn't even find luck in the Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson football locker room.

A professor was in his car on the way to work when he noticed something. Gables One Tower is a building across from campus on US-1 that nobody knows anything about. It's a plain white building and appears to have less swag than an 8 AM lecture or our football stadium pre-renovation. But reality may be the contrary. Just outside, the building, exactly 17 turnover chains were spotted by the professor, in addition to the 57 Z02 Big Baller Brand basketball shoes and 84 Beats By Dre headphones.

"It is shocking to me that swag was actually invented at Gables One Tower. I always assumed the building... well I don't know. I didn't know there was a real use for it, that it was just there. This totally changes my view of things," said fellow researcher Peter Ricca, a graduate student in RSMAS.

Cover Image Credit: Original Photo

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50 Quotes from the Best Vines

If you're picturing the vines in your head, you're doing it right

In 2017 we had to say goodbye to one of the best websites to ever roam the internet: Vine. In case you have been living under a rock since 2013, Vine was -(sad face)- a website and app that took the internet and the app store by storm in Winter 2013. It contained 6-second videos that were mostly comedy- but there were other genres including music, sports, cool tricks and different trends. Vine stars would get together and plan out a vine and film it till they got it right.

It was owned by Twitter and it was shut down because of so many reasons; the viners were leaving and making money from Youtube, there was simply no money in it and Twitter wanted us to suffer.

There's been a ton of threads on Twitter of everyone's favorite vines so I thought I'd jump in and share some of my favorites. So without further ado, here are some quotes of vines that most vine fanatics would know.

1. "AHH...Stahhp. I coulda dropped mah croissant"

2. "Nate how are those chicken strips?" "F%#K YA CHICKEN STRIPS.....F%#K ya chicken strips!"

3. "Road work ahead? Uh Yea, I sure hope it does"

4. "Happy Crimus...." "It's crismun..." "Merry crisis" "Merry chrysler"

5. "...Hi Welcome to Chili's"

6. "HoW dO yOu kNoW wHaT's gOoD fOr mE?" "THAT'S MY OPINIONNN!!!.."

7."Welcome to Bible Study. We're all children of Jesus... Kumbaya my looordd"

8. Hi my name's Trey, I have a basketball game tomorrow. Well I'm a point guard, I got shoe game..."

9. "It's a avocadooo...thanks"

10. "Yo how much money do you have?" "69 cents" "AYE you know what that means?" "I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets"

11. "Hurricane Katrina? More like Hurricane Tortilla."

12. "Hey Tara you want some?" "This b*%th empty. YEET!"

13. "Get to Del Taco. They got a new thing called Freesha-- Free-- Freeshavaca do"

14. "Mothertrucker dude that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick"

15. "Two brooss chillin in a hot tub 5 feet apart cuz they're not gay"

16. "Jared can you read number 23 for the class?" "No I cannot.... What up I'm Jared, I'm 19 and I never f#@%in learned how to read."

17. "Not to be racist or anything but Asian people SSUUGHHH"

18. 18. "I wanna be a cowboy baby... I wanna be a cowboy baby"

19. "Hey, I'm lesbian" "I thought you were American"

20. "I spilled lipstick in your Valentino bag" "you spilled- whaghwhha- lipstick in my Valentino White bag?"

21. "What's better than this? Guys bein dudes"

22. "How'd you get these bumps? ya got eggzma?" "I got what?" "You got eggzma?"

23. "WHAT ARE THOSEEEEE?" "THEY are my crocs!"

24. "Can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?"

25. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEN!" "I can't sweem"

26. "Say Coloradoo" "I'M A GIRAFFE!!"

27. "How much did you pay for that taco?" Aight yo you know this boys got his free tacoo"

28. *Birds chirping* "Tweekle Tweekle"

29. "Girl, you're thicker than a bowl of oatmeal"

30. "I brought you Frankincense" "Thank you" "I brought you Myrrh" "Thank you" "Mur-dur" ""

31. "Sleep? I don't know about's summertime" "You ain't go to bed?" "Oh she caught me"

32. "All I wanna tell you is school's not important... Be whatever you wanna be. If you wanna be a dog...RUFF. You know?"33. "Oh I like ya accent where you from?" "I'm Liberian" "Oh, my bad *whispering* I like your accent..."

34. "Next Please" "Hello" "Sir, this is a mug shot" "A mug shot? I don't even drink coffee"

35. "Hey did you happen to go to class last week?" "I have never missed a class"

36. "Go ahead and introduce yourselves" "My name is Michael with a B and I've been afraid of insects my entire-" "Stop, stop, stop. Where?" "Hmm?" "Where's the B?" "There's a bee?"

37. "There's only one thing worse than a rapist...Boom" "A child" "No"

38. "Later mom. What's up me and my boys are going to see Uncle Kracker...GIVE ME MY HAT BACK JORDAN! DO YOU WANNA SEE UNCLE KRACKER OR NO?

39. "Dad look, it's the good kush." This is the dollar store, how good can it be?"

40. "Zach stop...Zach stop...You're gonna get in trouble. Zach"

41. "CHRIS! Is that a weed? "No this is a crayon-" I'm calling the police" *puts 911 into microwave* "911 what's your emergency"

42. "WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? "

43. *Blowing vape on table* * cameraman blows it away* "ADAM"

44. "Would you like the spider in your hand?" "Yea" "Say please" "Please" *puts spider in hand* *screams*

45. "Oh hi, thanks for checking in I'm still a piece of garrbaagge"

46. *girl blows vape* "...WoW"

47. *running* "...Daddy?" "Do I look like-?"

48. *Pours water onto girl's face" "Hello?"

49. "Wait oh yes wait a minute Mr. Postman" "HaaaAHH"

50. "...And they were roommates" "Mah God they were roommates"

I could literally go on forever because I just reference vines on a daily basis. Rest in peace Vine

Cover Image Credit: Vine

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Fans Are Ruining The Things They Love

The toxicity in fandoms need to end.


I have been coming across a lot of troubling articles relating to pop culture lately. Instead of seeing articles that praise "Batwoman" finally being represented on screen, I learn that the actress portraying her has quit Twitter due to the backlash of it. Instead of people excited to see what a live action "Teen Titans" could be like, Anna Diop was all but chased off of Instagram. This has led me to the conclusion fans are ruining the very thing we hold dear. The fandom has become a disease that is spreading, and that is not okay.

I have talked briefly in the past about how some fandoms such as "Star Wars" can have a bit of a toxic following, but that toxicity is spreading to other genres now. These actresses are just the latest in a long line of people who have done a comic book, fantasy, or sci-fi film and tv that have been harassed like this. Earlier this year Kelly Marie Tran deleted her Instagram page because of the backlash she got from "The Last Jedi."

Obviously, there is no way to satisfy everyone, and I can be a fan that is occasionally hard to please. However, that is in no way a reason to bully anyone, and that is what these "fans" are doing. Bullying. It doesn't matter if they are celebrities, directors, actors, musicians, or millionaires, bullying is and will always be wrong. I have heard the argument that they are artists and performers and should learn how to handle criticism, but I don't buy it. Criticism comes positives and negatives, and it is supposed to be objective. "I hate Ruby Rose as Batwoman because she is not Jewish," is not criticism. Just because you dislike the casting of a film or tv show does not give you or anyone the right to harass a person regardless of how famous they are.

That also does not mean you have to like the casting choice of everyone or certain characters in any way. Personally, I line with several people in not being a huge fan of the "Titans" trailer that was released. I think there was poor casting on all parts, but I have not seen the actual show yet, so there is really no way to tell who is talented in it and who isn't. Plus, I know for a fact that each and every actor is that show will give a way better performance than I ever could. I do not mean to say I have a better moral compass than anyone else. I just wanted to use myself as an example that shows you don't have to like everything Hollywood does with your favorite comic.

I know that can be hard as well. I know there are lots of these characters that fans are extremely passionate about it, and I know when you are passionate about something, it is easy to critique and overly judge it because you love it and want it to be perfect. The truth is that it will never be perfect because things always have to change when being put into film and tv. That doesn't mean it will not be good. Any comic fan out there knows Hugh Jackman is too tall for the comic Wolverine, but his performance is great and so are his movies. Keep an open mind, and there could be some surprises that come out of it. The new movie or tv show could flop as well, but do not take it out on the people involved. The actors and crew really wanted to make something good, but sometimes mistakes are made. That is still no reason to bully someone.

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