It's not you, it's me.

I watch an unhealthy amount of chick-flicks and rom-coms and find myself wondering why I don't have that kind of love in my life. I blame boys for having high standards or circumstances, but in reality, it's my own fault.

My fear to trust.

My fear to believe in myself.

And my fear to give in.

When I was twelve, I was stuck in an elevator with my mailman, who decided it was his decision to make regarding who my first kiss was going to be, and ruined that particular experience every girl dreams of. That one thing a girl wants to be perfect.

Ever since then, getting intimate with anyone has its toll on me and I make it seem like the boy I'm with is imperfect, or that he has a fault so major I can't even stand to be near him.

And this, in turn, has its effect on me, thinking I'm mean and I don't deserve to be loved because I made an innocent person feel that way about themselves.

Every boy I've met at a party, every person I've swiped right on but never replied to, the fault is not yours, it is mine.

I fear intimacy, and the fear of getting hurt is massive within me. Every girl wants to be in as much love as I want to be in, every girl wants that perfect boy to make her feel like a queen, or somewhere near at least, and I want that as much as the next girl does, but my resistance to believing that a boy can actually like me, that I can get intimate without feeling the obligation to give in fully.

I can blame this on culture shock, or on the different kinds of minds that surround me, but in reality, it's my own mind that I can't get away from, my own heart that tells me I'm not good enough, and my own mirror that tells me I don't look good enough.

My dear men, it's not you, it's me.