For some reason, most of the major occurrences in my life have come at a much later time for me compared to the typical person. A few examples: I didn’t go to my first wedding until I was 18. I didn’t have to go through my first funeral until I was 20. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 21. Most people have gone through these major experiences by the age of 16, but not me. I mean, these are typical things people go through in life. There are still quite a few things that usually happen during your teenage years I still have yet to experience.

A prime example: I have never had a boyfriend.

Well, unless you count the boyfriend I had in the fourth grade, but I don’t. We didn’t even hold hands, and I only “dated” him because he used to give me his french toast sticks at lunch. He broke up with me on the first day of school the next year, and I just shrugged and said, “OK.”

Never having a boyfriend means I’ve missed out on plenty of other experiences that come with being in a relationship: Never changing my status on Facebook from “single” to “in a relationship,” never being anyone’s valentine, and until just a few months ago, never having my first kiss.

Yup, you heard me. I am 21, about to be 22, and I have only just had my first kiss a few months ago (There, I said it. The world’s smallest violin can start playing for me now).

But here’s the thing, for the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me because I never had my first kiss on the playground like all my other friends or never had a boyfriend in high school. I thought, guys don’t like me, I’m unattractive, I’m fat, I’m weird. I thought there just had to be something wrong with me I couldn’t see. Something that made me repel the opposite sex. Every single reason my mind could think of for why guys didn’t want to be with me became an absolute truth to me, and every day I was without a boyfriend was just another confirmation of those fears and insecurities. But now that my years in college are drawing to a close, I’ve come to realize just how lucky I am for never having a boyfriend all this time.

Here’s the thing: people hear the word “single” and it translates in their minds to “lonely.” This is especially true for girls, and that makes girls believe they can’t make it without a boyfriend at their side. I have a friend who cannot function without being in a relationship and feeling needed by a guy. I have another friend who has cried and stressed because her boyfriend tried to make her choose between their relationship and her own goals and aspirations. I have a friend whose social life has declined significantly because her and her ex-boyfriend have the same circle of friends. If he’s going to be there, she won’t go. If she’s there and he shows up, she wants to leave. She always relents to him. From a single person’s perspective, seeing my friends struggle with their failed relationships has been tough, and I’m thankful I’ve been lucky enough to live my life this far without knowing the grief of a failed relationship.

Now, does this mean I never want to be in a relationship? No. Of course I want to one day find a guy I can go through life with and who will be at me side and who I can start a family with. I want someone I can cuddle with at night. Do I sometimes get upset and wallow in self-pity because I don’t have a boyfriend? You bet. Not going to lie, there have been times when I have just laid in bed and cried about it. I’m only human.

I wish I could say I have come to a place where I love myself unconditionally and know I don’t need a guy right now to feel complete and all that other self-empowering stuff, but I’m only just starting to scratch the surface on how I need to focus more on loving myself rather than waiting for some guy to love me. Like I said, I’m still working on the self-love thing, and if you’re reading this and struggling with the same thing, then maybe we can be on this journey together.

Not having a boyfriend has meant that my confidence has had to come from myself, not be granted to me by another person. I don’t need to balance my own dreams and aspirations with a relationship. Living a single life right now means I’m free to make my own plan and my own choices for me.