It's Saturday night, and your boyfriend is nowhere to be found. He's not responding to your texts, but you know that he's on his phone because his Instagram feed is filling up with weird hashtags like #coilporn and #handcheck. What the heck is going on? When you finally meet up with him on Monday morning, he tells you that he was just hanging out at the local vape shop.
Say what? That's right. Your boyfriend is cheating on you, but it's not with that floozie who lives down the hall. Nope; what's happening is something far more insidious. You're losing your boyfriend to a vape pen.
First, you can comfort yourself in knowing that you aren't alone. Vaping is a habit that can rapidly consume anyone with even a casual love of gadgets – but you can reverse that trend. We're about to tell you how to make your boyfriend put the vape pen down and rejoin the human race in six easy steps.
Step 1: Be Thankful It Isn't a Cigarette
It wasn't long ago at all that most colleges still allowed students to smoke on campus – as if the average overworked student didn't smell ripe enough already. Thankfully, most schools have now put a stop to that and no longer allow smoking anywhere on school property. Of course, that means there are now about as many students who vape as there once were smokers. On the bright side, though, your boyfriend smells like mango bubblegum when he might have smelled like an ashtray. Couldn't you just eat him up?
Step 2: Be Thankful It Isn't a JUUL
In American brick-and-mortar retail stores such as gas stations and pharmacies, the JUUL vaping system controls more than two-thirds of the market. The JUUL is so popular that overseas sellers like EasyPuff in New Zealand can barely keep the refill pods in stock. On the typical college campus, the JUUL is now about as ubiquitous as cigarettes were during the age of Clark Gable and Errol Flynn. Back in the day, a cold keg of Natty Ice was all that you needed to get the party started at the local frat houses.
Today, though, the minimum requirement for anything more than a casual get-together is a keg of local craft IPA and a table piled high with assorted JUUL pods. Your boyfriend, though, doesn't follow the crowd. He's not a member of the JUUL proletariat. His personal muse wafts along on a cloud of sweet, sweet lemon almond biscotti vapor. Like the Steve Jobs of stimulants, he thinks different. You lucky girl.
Step 3: Find Your Boyfriend in His Natural Environment
Now that you've considered the alternatives, you understand that your boyfriend's dalliance with a vape pen isn't as bad as it could have been. It's time to approach him in his natural environment. The next time you see a bottle of vape juice in his Instagram feed, drive over to the local vape shop and stroll in like you own the place. Buy any vape juice in a big plastic bottle with a bright label. Proceed to the vape shop's lounge area.
There, you'll find your boyfriend sitting on a couch with a bunch of other vape bros. Toss the bottle of vape juice on the table. Mention something about the amazing clarity of the mango flavor on the exhale and give your boyfriend a kiss. Leave the store. On your way out, you'll probably overhear something along the lines of "Whoa, bro. You have an actual, physical girlfriend? That's rare here, bro."
Step 4: Learn to Use the Phrase "Chucking Tits" in a Sentence
At this point, you've reminded your boyfriend that the local vape lounge is not the place to be when one wants to make headway with a member of the opposite sex. Now, it's time to really mess with his head. In casual conversation, use the phrase "chucking tits" in a sentence as if it's something that you've been saying for years.
For example: "I saw this 0.15-ohm fused Clapton coil build on YouTube the other day. Dude was totally chucking tits." Enjoy 15 minutes of dumbfounded silence as you proceed to talk about next week's exams.
Step 5: Get a Fake Tattoo of an Ohm Symbol
If you were paying close attention during your excursion into your boyfriend's newfound home, you probably noticed that the average vape shop is a veritable museum of the worst body art that you'll ever find, anywhere. Now that you've two-thirds got your boyfriend thinking, freak him out completely by putting a fake tattoo of an ohm symbol on your arm.
His initial reaction will probably be to tell you that he has never found you so completely, irresistibly attractive. As the tattoo begins to fade, though, he'll realize that you were making a point. Does he really want to go down the path of the vape bro and alienate himself from the opposite sex for the rest of his life? No; he does not. You are definitely more fun than a vape pen. Victory is within your grasp.
Step 6: Take Back What's Yours
Trust us; now that you've completed the above steps, you've already won. You've messed with your boyfriend's head so thoroughly that he is completely done with his vape pen. He just doesn't realize it yet. You see, the problem with vaping is that it's a double-edged sword. Tinkering constantly with a gadget is only one part of the addiction. Nicotine is the other part.
So, it's time to pause and think. You've made it this far. Are you ready to free your boyfriend from an addiction that drains his wallet and gives him no benefit? Are you ready to take back what's yours? Buy nicotine-free versions of his favorite vape juices and put the e-liquid in bottles labeled with his usual nicotine strength.
Get ready for the aftermath; he'll definitely be ornery for the next few days. Be your regular fun and supportive self – and keep your boyfriend out of the vape shop. With any luck, he'll decide when it's over that he doesn't actually need his vape pen after all. If he doesn't, you can break the news that he's no longer addicted to nicotine. If he thanks you, he's a keeper.