My Boyfriend Is Cheating On Me With A Vape Pen

My Boyfriend Is Cheating on Me With a Vape Pen

Make your boyfriend put the vape pen down and rejoin the human race in six easy steps

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It's Saturday night, and your boyfriend is nowhere to be found. He's not responding to your texts, but you know that he's on his phone because his Instagram feed is filling up with weird hashtags like #coilporn and #handcheck. What the heck is going on? When you finally meet up with him on Monday morning, he tells you that he was just hanging out at the local vape shop.

Say what? That's right. Your boyfriend is cheating on you, but it's not with that floozie who lives down the hall. Nope; what's happening is something far more insidious. You're losing your boyfriend to a vape pen.

First, you can comfort yourself in knowing that you aren't alone. Vaping is a habit that can rapidly consume anyone with even a casual love of gadgets – but you can reverse that trend. We're about to tell you how to make your boyfriend put the vape pen down and rejoin the human race in six easy steps.

Step 1: Be Thankful It Isn't a Cigarette

It wasn't long ago at all that most colleges still allowed students to smoke on campus – as if the average overworked student didn't smell ripe enough already. Thankfully, most schools have now put a stop to that and no longer allow smoking anywhere on school property. Of course, that means there are now about as many students who vape as there once were smokers. On the bright side, though, your boyfriend smells like mango bubblegum when he might have smelled like an ashtray. Couldn't you just eat him up?

Step 2: Be Thankful It Isn't a JUUL

In American brick-and-mortar retail stores such as gas stations and pharmacies, the JUUL vaping system controls more than two-thirds of the market. The JUUL is so popular that overseas sellers like EasyPuff in New Zealand can barely keep the refill pods in stock. On the typical college campus, the JUUL is now about as ubiquitous as cigarettes were during the age of Clark Gable and Errol Flynn. Back in the day, a cold keg of Natty Ice was all that you needed to get the party started at the local frat houses.

Today, though, the minimum requirement for anything more than a casual get-together is a keg of local craft IPA and a table piled high with assorted JUUL pods. Your boyfriend, though, doesn't follow the crowd. He's not a member of the JUUL proletariat. His personal muse wafts along on a cloud of sweet, sweet lemon almond biscotti vapor. Like the Steve Jobs of stimulants, he thinks different. You lucky girl.

Step 3: Find Your Boyfriend in His Natural Environment

Now that you've considered the alternatives, you understand that your boyfriend's dalliance with a vape pen isn't as bad as it could have been. It's time to approach him in his natural environment. The next time you see a bottle of vape juice in his Instagram feed, drive over to the local vape shop and stroll in like you own the place. Buy any vape juice in a big plastic bottle with a bright label. Proceed to the vape shop's lounge area.

There, you'll find your boyfriend sitting on a couch with a bunch of other vape bros. Toss the bottle of vape juice on the table. Mention something about the amazing clarity of the mango flavor on the exhale and give your boyfriend a kiss. Leave the store. On your way out, you'll probably overhear something along the lines of "Whoa, bro. You have an actual, physical girlfriend? That's rare here, bro."

Step 4: Learn to Use the Phrase "Chucking Tits" in a Sentence

At this point, you've reminded your boyfriend that the local vape lounge is not the place to be when one wants to make headway with a member of the opposite sex. Now, it's time to really mess with his head. In casual conversation, use the phrase "chucking tits" in a sentence as if it's something that you've been saying for years.

For example: "I saw this 0.15-ohm fused Clapton coil build on YouTube the other day. Dude was totally chucking tits." Enjoy 15 minutes of dumbfounded silence as you proceed to talk about next week's exams.

Step 5: Get a Fake Tattoo of an Ohm Symbol

If you were paying close attention during your excursion into your boyfriend's newfound home, you probably noticed that the average vape shop is a veritable museum of the worst body art that you'll ever find, anywhere. Now that you've two-thirds got your boyfriend thinking, freak him out completely by putting a fake tattoo of an ohm symbol on your arm.

His initial reaction will probably be to tell you that he has never found you so completely, irresistibly attractive. As the tattoo begins to fade, though, he'll realize that you were making a point. Does he really want to go down the path of the vape bro and alienate himself from the opposite sex for the rest of his life? No; he does not. You are definitely more fun than a vape pen. Victory is within your grasp.

Step 6: Take Back What's Yours

Trust us; now that you've completed the above steps, you've already won. You've messed with your boyfriend's head so thoroughly that he is completely done with his vape pen. He just doesn't realize it yet. You see, the problem with vaping is that it's a double-edged sword. Tinkering constantly with a gadget is only one part of the addiction. Nicotine is the other part.

So, it's time to pause and think. You've made it this far. Are you ready to free your boyfriend from an addiction that drains his wallet and gives him no benefit? Are you ready to take back what's yours? Buy nicotine-free versions of his favorite vape juices and put the e-liquid in bottles labeled with his usual nicotine strength.

Get ready for the aftermath; he'll definitely be ornery for the next few days. Be your regular fun and supportive self – and keep your boyfriend out of the vape shop. With any luck, he'll decide when it's over that he doesn't actually need his vape pen after all. If he doesn't, you can break the news that he's no longer addicted to nicotine. If he thanks you, he's a keeper.

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An Appreciation Letter To My Boyfriend

I don't think I say it enough...
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To My Loving Boyfriend,

To start off, here's something I don't say nearly enough: thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You do so much for me that I can't even put into words how much I appreciate everything you do - and have done - for me over the course of our relationship so far. While every couple has their fair share of tiffs and disagreements, thank you for getting through all of them with me and making us a better couple at the other end. With any argument, we don't just throw in the towel and say we're done, but we work towards a solution that puts us in a greater place each day. Thank you for always working with me and never giving up on us.

Thank you for being supportive with everything that I want to do. Instead of trying to convince me 'no', you're encouraging me with a 'yes' or 'you got it'. Having you as my number one cheerleader is such a blessing, because I know I'll always have someone rooting for me. And you know that as much as you're cheering for me, I'm cheering for you right back. Having such immense support for one another is so important in any relationship, and I'm so lucky to have that kind of love and attention coming from you everyday.

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you more than words can write. I could probably talk for hours about how much I love you and how obsessed I am with you, but that's a little too much to put into an approximately 500 word piece. More importantly than telling you, I hope I'm able to show you everyday through my actions how much of a positive impact you have on my life. I'm certainly not the same person I was when we first started talking over two years ago, but I'm definitely a better person today than then, with a big thanks to you for that. You've helped me grow so much and I know you'll help me to improve for the better even more in the future.

I can't wait to see where life's adventures take us next. The only thing I know is that I definitely want to enjoy those adventures with you by my side. I promise to keep enjoying all of the little things that make every day with you so amazing. Thank you for the thousandth for everything that you do for me, because I don't know where I would be - or who I would be - had it not been you by my side all this time. Thank you for being my best friend, my secret keeper, and my confidante. And if I don't say it enough, always know I love you and everything that you do.

With So Much Love,

Your Very Appreciative Girlfriend

Cover Image Credit: Kayla Master

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41 Thank-Yous To My Boyfriend Who Stood By My Side For Three Semesters And Graduation

Life will be scary and difficult sometimes, but as long as you're there to hold my hand, I know that I will always be OK.

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These last several semesters at college, I've learned so much and I've changed so much, all because of one person. A person that came at a time when things were going downhill, and completely flipped my life around. I will never forget how terrible I felt before I met you, and how much better I am with you by my side. Truly, I don't know where I would be without you. And that's why it will always be impossible to thank you enough for everything that you have done for me.

But you do deserve to know how much of an impact you have on me.

1. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on when I was struggling to get through this last semester.

2. Thank you for always listening to me rant about problems I was having with my friends.

3. Thank you for never getting tired of me talking about the same things over and over again.

4. Thank you for never acting like my past trauma was baggage or a burden.

5. Thank you for trying your best to understand and to be considerate of my anxiety.

6. Thank you for being patient with me when I take so long to process everything and sort out my emotions.

7. Thank you for dealing with my mood swings and intense emotions.

8. Thank you for never judging me over things I get embarrassed about.

9. Thank you for sharing your opinions with me, even when I didn't want to hear them, but I needed to hear them.

10. Thank you for opening my eyes to toxic behavior that I was blind to.

11. Thank you for always looking out for my health and well-being, and my future.

12. Thank you for helping me grow up and mature.

13. Thank you for always wanting to talk things out.

14. Thank you for making me feel important.

15. Thank you for giving me a reason to live.

16. Thank you for showing me what true love is.

17. Thank you for being my best friend and partner in life.

18. Thank you for breaking my walls down but never breaking a promise.

19. Thank you for keeping my heart safe.

20. Thank you for giving me endless reassurance.

21. Thank you for never making me worry about the fate of our relationship.

22. Thank you for always putting me first.

23. Thank you for being loyal and committed to me.

24. Thank you for all of the memories and adventures.

25. Thank you for never getting annoyed about taking photos.

26. Thank you for the best summer of my life.

27. Thank you for making college a much better experience for me.

28. Thank you for always putting a smile on my face.

29. Thank you for always catering to me and trying to make me happy.

30. Thank you for all the little favors you do for me and everything else you might think goes unnoticed (but trust me, I notice and I appreciate it so much).

31. Thank you for supporting everything that I'm passionate about.

32. Thank you for always making an effort to change.

33. Thank you for always forgiving me when I make (loads of) mistakes.

34. Thank you for being a good influence on me.

35. Thank you for being my role model and inspiring me to be more like you.

36. Thank you for the amount of time, effort, and love that you've put into our relationship.

37. Thank you for shaping my future.

38. Thank you for making me so hopeful and excited about everything that we are going to do throughout our life together.

39. Thank you for thinking that I'm worth it.

40. Thank you for wanting to get married, have kids, and spend your life with me.

41. Thank you for making my dreams come true.

Now that we've graduated, for the first time, we're dealing with the fact that we don't have a set path laid out for us. Real life is more than what we're used to. We might struggle to find jobs. Heck, we might find jobs but hate them. It might take forever to save up money. Things might not go according to how we planned them in our heads. We're going to have to juggle a bunch of different elements all at once. Life will be scary and difficult sometimes, but as long as you're there to hold my hand, I know that I will always be OK.

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