To the boy that broke my heart:
I know that we weren’t in a good place when things ended, and that’s fine, but your actions have left me questioning every little thing about myself and our relationship. For starters, how could you say that you loved me and went ahead and did what you did? Why didn’t you have the decency to dump me before you went through with your actions? I know it could have been a lot worse, but that’s as far as I know. Maybe you did go ahead and fully cheat on me, but I’ll trust your word for it and say that you didn’t.
Did you know that I was okay at first? As time went on and the more you were with her, the more I doubted myself. I constantly questioned if I was nice enough to you. Did I do something wrong? Was I pretty and skinny enough? I noticed my flaws more than I already did. Guess what? I still do. I even went as far as comparing myself to your new girlfriend, and thank God, I stopped that.
I even questioned all those other stupid girls you talked to in high school. Now that this happened, I can’t help but think that a similar situation was going on, but we were happy then, so you didn’t make any real moves. You would just carelessly flirt, which I dismissed because even though I was suspicious of those girls, I wasn’t suspicious of you.
Like I said, it could have been worse. I should thank my lucky stars that you could have taken things so much further with her. Thank you for knowing when it was enough, but I still can’t help but wonder if you were going to say anything unless I did. You said you would, but at that point your “flirtationship” was going on for a couple months, but again, I’ll take your word for it. Like I said, I can’t complain much, there are girls whose boyfriends kiss other girls, or go further than that. But I can’t help but to feel cheated on. Maybe it’s because it was in the most minuscule way possible.
I know you think that I hated you during the tail end of our relationship, but I didn’t. I really didn’t. I’ll admit that I was distant, though. I was mad all the time, I did choose my friends over you, and I am sorry for that. I made you feel lonely. My mentality was that I had you forever. I only had my friends for certain times of the year. I’m sorry for being so cold and short and not even looking you in the eye during our last meeting. That wasn’t very cool of me, but know it was because I am still dealing with these feelings. Not as much as I use to, but I’m still dealing.
Lastly, I’m glad that you moved on. I’m glad that you found someone who is making you happy all the time. If you read this, please don’t think I’m bitter. I think I needed to do this as a final closure kind of thing. I doubt this will help, but everyone has been able to help me out, mentally. I know you would worry about that when we were together. Mentally, though, I’ve had more good days than bad, which hopefully comforts you. Overall, I’m okay with what’s happened. But yeah, I’m glad you’re happy and healthy, and I’m sorry if this bummed you out, but you have every right to know since I’ve dropped off your radar.
