I have always, always been independent. I like to do things my way, on my own time, without the help of others. And although I have created this harsh exterior I have always, without a doubt believed in true love. But love, to any extent, as a person of color, terrifies me to the point of solitude. Even more than that, being a biracial woman seeking love continues to be a battle.

I cannot put into words how frustrated I constantly feel because I so deeply want love. I deserve love.

For a lot of people, the mere idea of falling in love is terrifying; the idea of needing somebody like that is hard to grasp. But for me, my fear stems from the idea that no love I feel will ever be reciprocated. I doubt that I will ever be enough because I am some mixed breed.

For nearly every aspect of my life, I have complete confidence in myself. I never questioned if I deserved to get into Butler. I never doubt whether I can handle a challenge, or if I'm worthy of a position because I know how hard I work for everything in my life. I know that I pour my entire heart into whatever I care about -- and when it comes down to it that is always enough.

Yet, I cannot say the same for love. So, this is me finally admitting it -- I never pursue love because I am not certain if I am worthy of love. And I am not confident that I will ever be enough. I find myself wondering if I give my all to somebody whether that will be enough, or if I will fall short of success because I am biracial.

Honestly, I’ve never been one to have a physical type. I guess, if anything, I like dark hair, but even that is up in the air. I am drawn to people because of their morals, their values. But even if I find the most accepting man in the world, that doesn’t mean his family will be the same. The thought of a future boyfriend introducing me to his family makes my stomach tie itself into knots.

I am terrified of being rejected from a family because I am “too black” or of being accepted because I am “white enough”. I am horrified that I will be forced to prove my worth, as a human, because of the color of my skin. I simply don’t think I can handle being shunned because I am not “black enough” or because I “deny my culture”.

More than anything, I am mad at myself. I cannot talk to any man without assuming he has a hidden agenda.

Am I pretty, or am I pretty for a black girl?

Is he asking to take me on a date because he sees something in me, or does he see me as easy?

Am I just another sexual object?

Is he fetishizing my identity?

Is he trying me out, so he can check dating a brown girl off his list?

Am I good enough for a fling, but never to bring home to Momma?

Will he ever see me as truly beautiful compared to American standards?

My race dances in limbo. There is no place where my worlds can overlap. And so, I am forced to choose, while simultaneously I am rejected from both. And if there is no place for me, how could there possible be a place for me to be loved?