I was laying in bed Friday night, drafting what seemed like a hundred ideas before I said "fuck it" and did the only thing that seemed rational at the time: completely disregard my responsibility as a writer to delve into Brad Pitt's filmography. Although, I wasn't surprised when my deliberate choice of procrastination turned into the article you're currently reading.
I began this intense, one may even consider hedonistic, investigation by carefully choosing which movie to watch first. This would be the foundation for the next 12+ hours of my life. After about 30 minutes of intense debate (with myself), I finally came up with a list of five movies, starring Brad Pitt, that I would not only watch, but closely examine. Here's how it went:
5:32 p.m. I'm secretly excited that I have an excuse to stay in tonight. Who knew 'work' could be so fun?
5:45 p.m. I'm starting with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I have no reason for starting with this movie other than the fact that it's been forever since I last saw it.
6:38 p.m. I think old & wrinkly Brad Pitt is much sexier than just about any beer guzzling frat guy I've ever met.
6:58 p.m. *cue "Age Ain't Nothing But A Number" by Aaliya*
7:24 p.m. I don't know why I'm crying but I am.
7:49 p.m. THIS IS THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. A young, ripe Brad sailing a boat, wearing a plain white t-shirt and aviators, looking like a whole snack. Let's take a moment of silence for this man.
8:19 p.m. Ok, I'm over it. It's sad, depressing, and the underlying theme of this movie is that "nothing lasts". Oh, and I'm crying again.
8:30 p.m. I begin Troy, mostly because this movie is centered around a bunch of beefy men running around in linens killing each other on behalf of the women they love. Hot, right?
8:32 p.m. I remember first getting a taste of this movie when I was 11 years old. I was flipping through the channels on our TV when I happened upon the scene where Achilles is stripping down to nothing but the blood on his back. I think this was the moment that sparked my sexual awakening.
8:38 p.m. Hobbies include: Brad Pitt's left bicep.
9:10 p.m. Orlando Bloom is a terrible actor.
9:28 p.m. All of these names are so hard to pronounce: Boagrius, Menelaus, Patroclus? The Greeks were so damn extra.
10:30 p.m. Men are so different than they were back then. Nowadays, if another man checks out your ass at a bar, its likely your boyfriend will either give the guy knucks and cock his head up in the air (signifying a job well done) or grab your ass (signifying dominance).
10:40 p.m. Brad cried. I cried.
11:10 p.m. This movie is essentially about a bunch of men with heaps of testosterone, killing each other because they're too stubborn to say "I'm sorry". Why can't we just pour a glass of wine and chill?
10 a.m. I slept in today but woke up ready to get right back to work (if you could call it that).
10:20 a.m. I put on Fight Club because would it even be a Brad Pitt binge without it? This essentially centers around an insomniac (Edward Norton) who gets mixed up with the wrong guy (Pitt) in an underground fight club and soap making scheme.
10:35 a.m. Edward Norton's narration is honestly amazing. It's screenplays like this that inspire me to write.
11:12 a.m. Pitt sleeps with Norton's girl before Norton. (drama!) Classic dick move.
11:35 a.m. Even with all the macho ass kicking that's happening I have come to the conclusion that this movie might be onto something and maybe even have the key to living a better, more meaningful life.
"The wars we fight are spiritual fights. Our great depression are our own lives." -Tyler Durden
12:06 p.m. Jared Leto gets the shit beat out of him by Norton, ends up looking like Thanksgiving yams and all I can think is there's absolutely no way that's actually Jared Leto.
12:30 p.m. This entire movie is essentially a projection of Norton's unstable mind. In the end, nothing is what it seems. It's all just imaginary. My mind is always blown after watching this movie.
1:15 p.m. I took a break from my assignment to have lunch.
1:20 p.m. I return to the indentation in my couch to start Burn After Reading, even though it seems like the exact kind of movie I won't enjoy watching. I'm trying be a good journalist, so I reluctantly continue.
1:23 p.m. 3 minutes into the movie and John Malkovich is being fired from the CIA because he has a drinking problem. Okay, but don't we all have a drinking problem? *I say as I pour myself a glass of wine*
1:45 p.m. I can feel my IQ dropping.
2:17 p.m. Even if you're Brad Pitt, breaking into someone's home and hiding in their closet will get you killed.
2:30 p.m. I'm rolling my eyes.
2:49 p.m. Linda was willing to cost Ted & Chad their lives for plastic surgery. That's what I call dedication.
3:45 p.m. And for my grand finale, I begin Mr. and Mrs. Smith because I wouldn't feel like I've done this binge justice without it. Plus, I need something tried-and-true to end this glorious experience.
4:02 p.m. While Mr. and Mrs. Smith were falling back in love... Brad and Angelina were ACTUALLY falling in love. I'm so single.
4:07 p.m. Ok, Angie's purse just turned into some inspector gadget shit. Now that's fashion.
4:18 p.m. Adam Brody was cute, is cute, and will always be cute.
4:37 p.m. Angelina is such a bad bitch in this movie. Might have a daughter just so I can name her Angelina.
4:47 p.m. You're telling me both Brad and Angelina are skilled assassins with access to F.B.I type shit, and neither of them thought to do a background check on the other?
4:56 p.m. Brad just told Angelina she "looked like Christmas morning" to him and now I'm feeling really single again.
5:09 p.m. Brad and Angelina just beat the crap out of each other.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith trump Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. Yeah, I said it, you can even quote me on that.
5:28 p.m. Adam Brody played a Jewish boy in The O.C., and Angelina just confessed to Brad that she's actually Jewish... so what you're telling me is I need to marry a Jew?
10 THINGS BRAD PITT AND HIS MOVIES HAVE TAUGHT ME
1. Age is just a number so date who you want while you're hot and still can.
2. When you've found your person in life, cherish them because nothing lasts forever.
3. Aviators and a plain white t-shirt: it's a look.
4. Orlando Bloom is a terrible actor.
5. Men are pigs and should probably not be allowed in public.
6. Don't take the easy way out, don't let life pass you by, and live in the now (I guess those are three lessons, but Tyler Durden had more than one good point).
7. Everybody's an alcoholic.
8. Chances are if I decide to have a kid one day, I'll probably name her Angelina.
9. Background checks are good (especially when you are suspicious of your spouse being a skilled assassin).
10. Jewish people are always hot.