I should have stopped eating when dinner was over.
"Have a cheat day! It's important in your weight loss journey," echoes in my head as I scarf down a bowl of day-old pasta that doesn't even taste good. I'm eating it super fast and it's making me sick. I have to finish it though.
"Everything in moderation.." It sounds like those words are swirling into a drain and getting softer and softer as I toast two pieces of bread, slather them with peanut butter, and top them with chocolate chips I found.
Lol. Moderation. Such a nice, fairy tale world.
"You need to stop..." My brain tries to help as I pull out the package of vanilla cookies and polish off the whole thing. I want to listen but I can't. It's taken over again. Crying happens somewhere in there, but it's too late. I've done it. All within an hour.
I wasn't even hungry.
I look in the mirror and see my fat that isn't going anywhere. I change into long pants. Seeing my legs is making me want to throw up everything. If they get any bigger I won't be able to fit in anything. After changing, I feel what I call my "turkey gizzard" neck and again look in disgust at my stomach that makes me look five months pregnant.
I still want to eat. Why am I still thinking about food when it's ruining my life.
Living with BED (binge eating disorder) is this, on a constant loop. It's constantly thinking about food, while also being scared of it. It's not being able to enjoy eating anything, because a) either you're eating healthy food and you want greasy, salty or super sweet food, or b) you're eating what you want but you know it's going to make you gain weight.
And it's not a once in a while, once or even twice a month, when I'm stressed or sad binge episode. Everyone goes through that. No, this is a couple of times a week, every week. Happy or sad. It's a way of life.
I can't eat anything without thinking I'm ruining everything.
I can't even throw it up. I hate puking. So I just sit there and cry because I can't get rid of it. I feel gross, yet I constantly want to eat some more.
In not so many words, it's pure hell. And it's not taken as seriously as anorexia or bulimia. B.E.D. wasn't even considered its own disorder until 2013 when the American Psychiatric Association finally gave it its own merit in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Until then, it was just considered a part of bulimia nervosa, and listed as an "EDNOS." This means "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified."
It's really odd considering that specific pattern of routinely overeating without purging has been experienced by a significant portion of the world's population for decades.
Just because someone isn't dangerously skinny, that doesn't mean they don't have a problem. Just because someone eats and doesn't throw it up, it doesn't mean they don't need treatment. Just because someone is bigger, it doesn't mean they don't see their body as fatter than it actually is.
Yes, when someone has bulimia nervosa they purge as well, but then there are people like me. A person who keeps everything in and just gains more and more weight, and just looking at themselves in the mirror makes them physically nauseous.
I know this is an absolutely horrible thought, and I apologize to anyone I offend with this, as I do not know what it is like to have anorexia or bulimia.
Sometimes, I would rather have one of them.
That way, I could at least be thin. Clothes would fit me better, and I wouldn't feel as guilty about stuffing myself. It's because I'm selfish and want all of the food for myself. I don't want to give it up. I'm worse than everyone else. I'm a pig.
That's my thought process. I know logically that all ED's are awful, and no sufferer wishes them on anyone else. Why can't I just live? Why does food control me? Why is food the only thing that excites me, yet has me constantly miserable?
I write this as I still try to go to the gym, to not fall completely off the wagon. It feels like a gigantic waste of time, but I go. I'm thinking of joining a support group for binge eaters, but for now, I have regular therapy. I hope to find more people like me.
One of my biggest dreams is to love my body, which has never happened. I want it more than money, more than wanting to be beautiful, even more than food. I feel like I'm in a huge hole, alone, with everyone I know weight loss transformation pictures being on top.
Struggling against the tears, I look at everyone else loving themselves and say: "I'll be one of you too."
Just let me get out of this hole first.