Wednesday’s Big Sean and Little Yachty concert took an unexpected turn when herds of choker-clad fans began vaulting over event staff personnel after Yachty’s urging for “true homies” to come forward to the pit.
“It was like a scene straight out of World War Z,” freshman Gabby Towns said. “I’ve never seen them move that fast, except at, like, Victoria’s Secret’s last 7/27 sale.” The concert shut down for about 20 minutes while event staff personnel worked diligently to bring order back to the stage and usher guests back to their nosebleed seats.
The show resumed as Yachty urged the Sperry-clad audience to “raise them middle fingas up,” and “fuck the event staff,” while another song no one’s ever heard of playing in the background.
“I’m really still not sure who Lil Yachty is, to be honest,” said so-called “highlighter lookin’ ass” event staffer Joelle Williams. “I thought it was a large teletubby on stage for a second, or maybe a flamingo the way he was hopping around on one foot the whole time. Really, it was hard to see anything through all the fog and Gainesville PD officers.”
Sigma Sigma Sigma sister Casey Jones had a similar problem. “Everyone just kept screaming, ‘Loophole’! ‘Loophole!’ I’m still trying to figure out who that is, honestly.” Her boyfriend intervened.
“It’s Lilboat,” he said, before turning back to the rest of his bros, who were researching Lil Yachty lyrics online. Jones still seemed confused. “Wait, when does he come on?”
The show redeemed itself, however, with Big Sean’s act.
“There was a lot of time between them so they could make sure the fog machines were working,” said self-proclaimed “white-rastafarian” Dylan “Bob” Jones. “I said ‘Bro, this is sick. Now we have time to roll our joints.”
His friends agreed. “Now they can’t see us smoking that good kush, you know?” added avid grass enthusiast Marley Jenkins, adjusting his snapback.
