Whether you’re looking to lock lips with a significant other or an alluring stranger, it’s crucial to find the right tunes to set the mood. But with over 30 songs to choose from on various streaming platforms, how will you know what to play when that special moment arrives?
Luckily for all you aspiring casanovas out there, I’ve listened to every classic makeout jam and assigned each one a grade based on how well it will set the scene for your next smooch sesh. Listen and enjoy!
Janet Jackson – “Any Time, Any Place”
A stone-cold classic. Janet’s silky vocals over those sumptuous synths will have you and your boo all over each other in no time!
Grade: A-
Drake – “Marvin’s Room”
While Drake is no stranger to the sexy slow jam, these lyrics are more suitable for a breakup than a makeout. Play with caution.
Grade: B-
Marvin Gaye – “Let’s Get It On”
This song is about putting on a sweater. While sweaters are very comfy, they are not very sexy.
Grade: C+
Miguel – “The Valley”
Presumably named after the emotional rock bottom of finding Miguel dry-humping your high school love Sarah in the janitor’s closet when she was supposed to be slow-dancing with you to “Time After Time."
Grade: C-
A Garbage Truck Backing Up
Strong groove, steady beat, sexy vibe: You’ll be macking before you can say “Is it garbage day already?”
Grade: B+
Alec Baldwin’s Monologue from Glengarry Glen Ross
As soon as your date hears this, they will tear themselves away from you and try to reach through the speakers and ravage the sweet, sweaty body of a young Alec Baldwin in his prime. Avoid at all costs.
Grade: D+
Bart Simpson – “Do the Bartman”
Bart Simpson is a tiny ruthless miscreant with a penchant for pranks and a devil-may-care attitude, and we should be not be financially supporting his devious lifestyle by playing his music. That said, anyone who hears “Do the Bartman” and doesn't immediately wanna make out probably has zero sex drive.
Grade: B-
Miguel – “Adorn”
I assume Miguel meant to title this song “A dorm,” which is where I found him having sex with my girlfriend Maria freshman year.
Grade: D
Loose Change
This seminal 9/11 doc is sure to put you and your lover in the mood, and with nearly 90 minutes of juicy conspiracy theories, your night won’t be ending anytime soon!
Grade: A
The Muffled Sounds of Your Parents Arguing in the Next Room
Can you say “high school makeout jamz”????? Talk about a throwback!
Grade: B+
Miguel – “Coffee”
Why do you do this to me, Miguel? Have I hurt you in some way? Are you still mad that you didn’t win the Grammy for Best Urban Contemporary Album in 2013? Or do you just get off on the thrill of stealing my girlfriends?
Well I won’t stand for it anymore. This ends now. You think you can sleep with all my girlfriends and get away scot-free? Think again, you golden-voiced mother*cker. You can’t run from me. You can’t hide. There is no escaping my wrath.
I will find you, Miguel. And I will kill you.
Grade: I am going to kill Miguel.
