To celebrate America’s birthday, we turned the joy of childhood into a drinking game.
It’s called Slip Cup, and it is the official drinking game of Summertime.
Inspired by the Internet, we bought tarp, hooked up the hose, and created a 100-foot Slip ‘n’ Slide. Then we played Flip Cup.
It was epic.
It's the same rules as Flip Cup, but everyone has to go down the Slip 'n' Slide before their turn. Insanity ensues.
There's no better way to honor the Fourth of July than being surrounded by your closest friends and family chugging beer while covered in a frothy mix of mud and Dawn soap. When the Founding Fathers invented freedom in 1776, that's what they had in mind. That, and eating enough hot dogs that the very laws of physics bend to the curvature of Joey Chestnut's rapidly expanding stomach. It's right there in the constitution.
I thought that "Professional Eater" was a stupid title, until I saw the pile of hot dogs put in front of the contestants at Coney Island and I realized I'm just a recreational eater. But the eating contest itself wasn't very entertaining compared to the introductions, which was the most riveting 10 minutes on television in 2015.
The announcer, George Shea, was spitting FIRE. I was sitting in awe that the things he was saying were allowed on TV. I can't recommend watching this video any higher. Here's his introduction for competitive eater Yasir Salem.
"He is entirely committed to competitive eating. He will do whatever it takes to win. Three days ago he broke up with his girlfriend and euthanized his dog to leave a void of emptiness inside him that he could fill today with hot dogs and buns."
This dude said that on ESPN! There were children watching! And that's not even his best one. This was his introduction for Joey Chestnut.
"In a world of nothing, of barren hills and cracked earth and once-proud oceans drained to sand, there will still be a monument to our existence. Bleached by the sun, perhaps, and blunted by time, but everlasting. Because this man represents all that is eternal in the human experience… Through the curtain of the aurora, a comet blazed to herald his arrival, and his victories shall be transcribed into every language known to history, including Klingon. I give you America itself, Joey Chestnut.”
Can we let George Shea write the rest of the "Game of Thrones" books instead of George R.R. Martin? He is to the English language what this German dude is to firework breakdancing.
Don't try this at home.
(Thinking)
Actually, don't try this period.
This is what freedom looks like.
George Shea's astoundingly beautiful and surprisingly inspiring prose is apt. Joey Chestnut is America. Because the only thing more American than Slip Cup is shoving an unreasonable and borderline unethical amount of mystery meat into your body for brief fame and money that will later be spent on cardiac bypass surgery. That's the American way.
