We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of an argument and you really want to come up with a great comeback so that when you replay the conversation in your head that night you feel a sense of triumph instead of thinking of all the things you could have said.
But, it’s hard, in the heat of the moment, to think of such a comeback. How do you sound witty and sharp without sounding like too much of a terrible person?
Luckily, there is something that can help: books. That’s right. Books are filled with wonderful comebacks, things that you can memorize or save in your phone for just the right moment, and I’ve compiled a list of them here for you:
1. “Thou art a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave, a lily-liver’d, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the song and heir of a mungril bitch. – “King Lear” by William Shakespeare
Best to save this one for when you’re really mad at someone.
2. “My dear, I don’t give a damn.” – “Gone With The Wind” by Margaret Mitchell
I personally hated “Gone With The Wind.” It was too big and the characters annoyed me, but, really, the simplicity of this insult is everything.
3. “I desire that we be better strangers.” – “As You Like It” by Shakespeare
Say what you will about Shakespeare, but the man had fantastic insults.
4. “She is nuttier than squirrel poo.” – “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” by J.K Rowling
I still chuckle about this line from time to time.
5. “In my mind, Martha, you are buried in cement right up to your neck. No… right up to your nose... that’s much quieter.” – “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” by Edward Albee
The sass in this line is fabulous.
6. “You are the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.” – “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen
This is another one of those books that I was never really crazy about, but Elizabeth Bennet has always held a special place in my heart simply because she’s so feisty.
7. “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.” – “All’s Well That Ends Well” by Shakespeare
This is the last Shakespeare insult, I promise, but you can’t blame me. The guy wrote almost as many insults as he did jokes about penises.
8. “The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.” – “A Feast for Crows” by George R.R. Martin
Finally, someone gets it.
9. “If you will forgive me for being personal – I do not like your face.” – “Murder on the Orient Express” by Agatha Christie
I’m sorry, but I laughed for five minutes straight after reading this.
10. “Critic!” – “Waiting for Godot” by Samuel Beckett
Really, this is the only insult you will ever need.
11. “It should take you about four seconds to walk from here to the door. I’ll give you two.” – “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Truman Capote
Honestly, the two seconds is generous.
12. “He’s simply a hole in the air.” – “The Lion and the Unicorn” by George Orwell
I mean, damn.
13. “All morons hate it when you call them a moron.” – “Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger
You know when you tell someone they’re being unreasonable, and they get mad at you for telling them they’re being unreasonable?
14. “I don’t know half of you as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” – “The Fellowship of the Ring” by J.R.R. Tolkien
If you’re going to insult someone, Bilbo Baggins is honestly the way to go.
15. “You blithering idiot! You festering gumboil!” – “Matilda” by Roald Dahl
Find me one person who likes to be called a gumboil. Find me one.
