The voice in my head became weak, as if it were crumbling at the thoughts I had festering inside my mind. I could only handle so much — the scrutiny, the loneliness, the longing — until I would inevitability crash, burn, and turn into dust like all my ancestors before me. I am no different than they were, naive to reality, wishing and praying for better days, more love, and unity, when the perils of injustice rein higher than any religion or community.

Naive to reality, I may say, but I am rare mixture of consciousness and vulnerability and I see the world for what it is, but the naiveness is actually my optimistic mind begging me to look on the bright side, to see the beauty in other’s instead of highlighting their darknesses and Devilish traits.

We’re human, so imperfect, we would never be able to look God in the face and justify our selfish, egotistical, materialistic remarks and actions, as if that day is so far removed into the future, but it’s closer than we dare think about.

Then there’s me, I tend to push myself to the pure side of the divide, but maybe I’m turning into a rotten apple with time.

Time has a funny way of turning things inside out and upside down, healing wounds and breaking hearts, turning the good to evil and showing the evil the side to the promise land. It could really go either way — but then there’s me, I don’t belong, I never have and I am giving up hope that I ever will.

The Angels turn their wings to my fragile heart, as I am not one of them with my ways and the Devil’s advocates mock me in my kindness, excluding me from their hells. So it takes me to an isolated place, where I beg my brain to stop analyzing me, God, and the humans I don’t even know — I have to find peace within myself, because outer sources are temporary and fleeting, and I’m starting to believe that the love I desire doesn’t exist in this world or the next.

So why try to be better than I was yesterday if the only one who is going to love me is myself?

Would I do this if I only had myself at the end of the day? The answer is yes, I am doing this for me, I’m growing and learning for me, and as I’ve said with things being temporary, it’s a blessing because although my core is strong, my state can fall prey to a harsh reality. However, I'm hopeful that one day, I’ll look back on my days of sadness and know the hardships have made me into the person who is fearlessly kind, loving, and complete.

One day, I’ll belong, but until then, there will be some nights that are filled with salty tears.