Picture this… you’re being bullied throughout middle school, high school, even college and no matter what you do and who you try to talk to about the bullying think you’re a joke. They laugh at you and think your self-harming and depression are only for attention. You’re in college and you get a phone call from a detective telling you that your best friend lied to you about having a miscarriage and she is now in jail for murdering her baby who was your niece. That’s not something a 19-year-old who is suffering from depression, anxiety, and everything else should have to go through. People try to tell you to let it go and “get over it.” But if it were them in your position it’d be different. It’s as if you are in a crowded room screaming at the top of your lung and no one hears you. But for someone to tell you that depression, and self-harm is a joke or for attention? To the people that say these things: have you ever felt so alone, so sad, so hopeless that you couldn’t imagine things getting better? Have you ever been in a situation so desperate and painful you felt nothing in life could make you feel better? Have you ever been so depressed that you held a knife or bottle of pills in your hand, wondering if the world wouldn’t be better without you? Most people in the world can’t answer yes to these questions, and for you, I am happy. Depression is a sick, dark, dangerous thing. No, it’s not being sad for a few days or upset because your favorite show just ended and the store didn’t have your favorite food. Depression is a serious problem that should not be brushed under the rug.
Depression isn't selfish. Self-harm isn’t stupid. It is the last resort. It's feeling so desperate and alone for so long that you don’t see any end to the pain. Some people that self-harm think about how others will feel when they are gone, but it’s not always who will miss them like people image it is. When you get that deep in to depression, the logical part of your brain is unable to process the people you would hurt. You don’t always think about how much your dog or siblings are going to miss you. Most of the time you think about the people who caused you the pain. You think about the people that called you names or abused you, the one that broke your heart or the one that has already passed on before you. When you come to this moment of extreme pain and desperation, you don't stop to think about anyone's pain but your own. That may sound selfish to some, but in reality, isn’t someone being selfish by making you feel this way? Isn’t it selfish to take away a person's sense of freedom and identity? Is it not selfish to make someone hate themselves and their life so much that they would rather hurt themselves?
When people say that self-harms or threats are an act of desperation or attention seeking, I’m curious to know what kind of attention they are seeking. And if this is an attention seeking action, why are they feeling so desperate for attention that they need to hurt themselves? If someone feels so secluded, irrelevant and disregarded that they are desperate enough to self-harm, then I still say the selfish one is whoever makes the self-harming and depressed person feel that way. Nobody should ever have to “seek attention” by attempting, committing or threatening self-harm.
People say self-harm and depression are a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but who is to say it is temporary? When you’re young and have little control over your life, things can get difficult to deal with. When someone feels trapped on what feels like a hopeless situation, there seems to be only one way out. When the people you should be able to depend on are the ones taking away your sense of self, the thoughts that there is only one way out begin.
Things didn't get better right away, but looking back, it made me a stronger person. It gave me the strength to make it through the darkest times of my life and wait for the brighter days. It gave me the wisdom to know I am here for a reason and the courage to stand strong and independent. It gave me the push I needed to take this life of mine into my own hands. God has big plans for my life and there is a reason He kept me on this earth, even after I had given up. Mental illness is no joke and is not something that you can treat like physical illness. This is something that should be talked about, not hidden away in the back of the closet or brushed under the rug. I know when things are hard and the demons are calling your name, nothing else seems to matter. Even when you’re surrounded by darkness, and you see no light at the end of the tunnel, please know you are not alone; just keep holding on. I promise life gets better.
So, next time someone tells you that they are having thoughts about self-harming, want to get help for their depression. Put yourself in their shoes before you try to tell them or anyone else that they are only doing it “for attention”. Think before you act because if it were you in their shoes it’d be different. You may know someone’s name but you don’t know their story so don’t judge a book by its cover; be there for them just to listen, if they need someone to be there for them you could end up saving someone’s life.
