I've been on this earth now for 20 years and I feel somewhat comfortable with knowing who I am. Now, I am aware that it's impossible for me to know who I truly am at the ripe age of 20, but I would like to think I'm on the right path to figuring it out. Not until recently though have I recognized a familiar pattern reoccurring in my life. I have always had this feeling that it existed; however, I just never really did anything about it.
What I noticed was that I often find myself feeling like the odd one out, the person out of place within my friend groups. I'm what you might consider the weird one, the random one and if you watch New Girl I'm what you might call a Jess. So, why do I do this to myself? I have no idea — it just happens. So, I disregard the skeptical looks and the comments that sometimes sting and hold my head up a little higher.
Feeling like I'm the odd one out is not an everyday feeling, but there are certain times when it's more prominent. It's the little things that add up that make the feeling significant. My music taste, my aspirations, my clothes, and my brain all contribute to being "odd."
I wouldn't say that I have a completely different music taste than my friends but it is broader and more historically enriched. In the grand scheme of things this is really nothing, but when I know my friends won't like my music then I hesitate to share it. For example, I would love to have a party where '70s music is played but that would't be approved by the gang.
As far as my fashion goes, it's still in the works. I have not pinpointed a style of my own and I often find myself wishing I had a completely different closet. Clothes help define people, and I think clothing says a lot about an individual's character. When you're the one person that looks out of place in your group it's just another factor that contributes to feeling like the odd one out.
My perspective on life, or maybe it's my soul, also contributes to this feeling. I've been told that I have an old soul (which is my favorite compliment I've ever received). I've always felt somewhat out of place no matter my age. I listened to the "wrong" music and I wore clothes that didn't always portray me.
Instead, I was an image of the typical teenage girl when that's not who I felt like. I also don't always find myself enthralled with what people my age do. I enjoy a good time and going out but there's just this overall sensation that I don't necessarily fit in sometimes.
The way I think and process things is another thing that distinguishes me. I don't know why, but my brain is very imaginative, random, and active. Now, this sounds fairly normal, but I wouldn't consider what goes on in my head to be all that average. It's difficult to describe what happens other than the vast imaginative and over thinking qualities I possess. Sporadic thoughts, interpretations, images, and ideas pop into my head daily at random times and I feel as though I process things on a different level than everyone else.
When you have multiple people tell you that they would love to see what goes on in your head or think like you for a day you realize maybe this isn't what everyone else experiences. It makes me question myself (which I don't like) and often times keep what I have to stay quiet because I don't want to receive backlash or judgments.
I will say this though, I'm entirely comfortable with feeling like the oddball most of the time. I have accepted that it's who I am and I don't wish to change it. It makes me me and that's what matters. I understand that not everyone will get what I'm trying to say or they may make weird faces when I do something that's not deemed normal. When I say things and get ignored it's fine I'm just going to keep doing me.
