When you first meet people, many thoughts run through your head.
“Wow, she’s pretty.”
“I wonder if he thinks I’m weird.”
“Why are you talking to me?”
“Oh. Hi. Sorry, I’m awkward.”
I recently heard the quote, “Every person you meet knows something you don’t.”
While that is true, I don’t think we realize how many people know something we do. Think of how differently you would view someone if you got the chance to be vulnerable with each other. Even people who seem perfect are going through something difficult.
I’m going to take a moment to be vulnerable with you. My relationship with God isn’t as it appears. You may see me post about Jesus and carry my Bible everywhere with me, but it wasn’t that easy and it’s still not.
Let’s rewind to my freshman year of high school. I had tons of friends. My older brother, Micah, got really involved in our youth group, so naturally I wanted to be a part of that. Except God was on the back burner. I mean, I accepted Christ and tried not to sin, but He wasn't exactly first in line on the list of people I wanted to have a relationship with.
My sophomore year of high school I spent most of my time trying to fit in, find the place where I belong. That's what happens to everyone in high school, right? Did you ever take that first drink because in the back of your mind you're thinking, "Wow. They like this. They like me.” Did you ever go through a rebellious phase because, "Won't God forgive me, anyway?" Did you ever have that person you think you could spend the rest of your life with, break your heart -- and it hurt more than you ever knew was possible?Did you ever feel so alone that you wanted to end your life?
In all of these situations, I didn't see it then, but I wasn't alone. God was with me every step of the way. Even though I wasn't making God honoring choices, He never left me alone. He continued to pursue me.
Deuteronomy 31:6. Be strong & courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
These are things most high schoolers deal with. Depression, for me, was the most damaging. Some of you know the feeling. Where's God when I'm feeling so numb that I can't even get out of bed in the morning? Where's God when I'm lying on my bathroom floor with pills in my hand and tears rolling down my cheeks? Why do I feel so alone? Where is home for me? These are questions I have asked myself many times. I try to tell myself, "I don't need to feel this way," but you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. I became so consumed by depression that I came to enjoy being alone.
Romans 8:18. The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming.
I tried to find my happiness in people, in drugs and alcohol, and in isolation. My search for happiness ended this past March. I no longer longed for that feeling of wanting to be wanted, that feeling of temporary satisfaction. I have been in search of a deeper love for God.
He used my sin and turned it into something really awesome. I may have not had any friends during my senior year, but God helped me strengthen my relationship with Him that much more. I may have engaged in sinful behavior and flat out ignored Him, but God reminded me that there's nothing I can do to make Him love me any less. I may have gotten into a relationship searching for that happiness, but God reminded me that I don't need it, I need Him. I may have spent the last two years self-conscious, feeling unloved, unwanted, and wanting to kill myself, but God said, "Come here child, I love you so so much."
Psalm 37:23-24. The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Even people you think are perfect are going through something difficult. Did you know Abraham Lincoln struggled with depression? People would see him fall apart, and you know what he did? When he was struggling, he would open his Bible and read. People said they could literally see him getting progressively better. I've started doing that, and I can honestly say it works. Seeking God is the most important thing you can do. However I didn't stop there. I've also received counseling and I take medication. The combination of these things has helped me to heal.
I still struggle daily, but (whether you feel it or not) God is always there, always has, and always will be. You may have stopped searching for God, but He is taking care of you, and He's with you during every battle you face. The best is yet to come.
