Throughout my young adult life, I always heard people say that the first heartbreak one ever experiences is the worst. As someone who hardly gets herself into relationships, I figured that this was simply a quote that had no impact on someone like myself. The concept of relationships always freaked me out because I am someone who prides herself of being solely independent and self-reliant. I think what really intimidates me is allowing another being to have control over my emotions.
But disregard the past few sentences because I ended up getting myself into a relationship contrary to all of my fundamental beliefs. I did what felt right at the moment, and I regret nothing about my past relationship. It was relatively healthy in most aspects. I was happy at the time and I experienced many firsts. So in terms of that aspect, I really want to thank this person for being that for me. Even with the positives, I finally can see the problems of the past relationship and I finally know what I need and what I did not receive.
One of the biggest flaw that I discovered about myself in that past relationship is how much I lost my own sense of self identity because I was so fixated on another person. I did things to gain their attention because I could feel myself slowly becoming unimportant in that persons life.
I would make grand efforts like buying stuff to try to grasp on to what I was missing within the relationship. I found myself almost begging for attention even if that meant just one day a week. (I am not joking, asking to see my significant other once a week was like I was asking for too much.)
I also realized that being someone who likes to go out and party and getting energy from being around other people is not an anomaly, it is quite normal to be an extrovert. I began to second doubt those qualities about myself because my significant other was more of an introvert, which is also okay, but since I poured myself into a dying relationship, I began to lose even those fun aspects of myself.
This was the first relationship that I ever fell in love with someone, unfortunately the love was unrequited. Looking back at it, I began looking within myself often asking myself "Am I unlovable?" or "What can I do to make someone fall in love with me?" All of which seem silly now in hindsight. That initiated the inevitable downfall of the relationship that resulted in me getting dumped in my own bedroom.
When they say heartbreak physically hurts, they were not joking. I felt a physical tear in my heart. Being in my bedroom was unfathomable for a whole week after the breakup. It affected me so much that I drove home simply to sleep in a room with different scenery. I was officially broken, I defined my entire being through this relationship and when it ended, I lost my sense of self.
The rebuilding process of finding myself was anything but smooth, I was hurt, I did anything to give my heart temporary relief. Everything from social isolation to going to parties excessively to the point where it affected my grades. Weeks turned into months and I stopped looking at old pictures, I started removing some of the painful messages and memories. I stopped fixating my thoughts on social media and I stopped checking to see if my ex viewed my social media.
Before long, the unbearable heartbreak turned into a thing of the past.
I would not trade this past experience for anything in the world. Through my heartbreak experiences, I began doing the things I loved again. It took a while of trial and error, but I can whole-hardheartedly say that this experience resulted in me being the most "me" I have been in years.
Aside from the stresses of finals week, I can confidently say that I am happy. I am at a place where I can confidently say that relationship or not, I finally have an identity of my own. And to the ex who taught me this, thank you, things may of not worked out, we haven't talked in forever and that is fine. You have indirectly taught me more about myself then anyone else has and I wish nothing but happiness for you.