Before I came to St. Thomas Aquinas College, as an incoming freshmen, all I ever hoped for was a college life that was better than high school. I was ready to enter a college that could continue to challenge me to grow and freely make my own decisions. My desire was to live through the moments of spending quality time with my friends and study hard to get A’s. I knew God had to be my life’s main focus, but my surroundings caused me to become insecure and I suddenly felt a lack of self-confidence.
At first, I was always scared to take my Bible out on my desk and read in front of my roommates, so I did it only when no one is around. My number one hope was to seek a Christian fellowship but sadly, my idea was knocked down. I felt like a total outcast since I’m in a diverse community. I was an introvert for a short period of time in attending on-campus events. I got intimidated by the way my peers looked at me because to them, I was the “international student.” I knew I would face this at a non-Asian university because I dealt with it throughout all of my life.
As I was trying to live a Christian life, I found myself conflicted between school work and my relationship with God. I knew I had to remind myself of my priorities in school, but sometimes my head got distracted. I realized I was very hard on myself because I wanted to study my best and get perfect grades. I was being challenged to learn how to stay who I was when my college lacked a Christian Intervarsity club and a church nearby to attend on weekly Sunday. I felt pessimistic when I found out that it was taken down a year before I came in. However, that didn't prevent me from living a Christian life. I had a Bible to read and praise music for me to hear and reflect, even though they are not the only things that glorified Him. Receiving criticism from my peers had been one of my anxieties that caused me to be paranoid when I spoke about anything church-related. But I wondered: why did that matter to me so much? Was I waiting in line to see people’s acceptance?
Making friends and building social skills were always a hardship for me because I get anxious over knowing what’s okay and what's not okay to say. My thoughts tend to cause assumptions of what my peers going to say and how they vies me, which leads me to doubt the fact that everything will be alright. I was worried that if I share about my faith and beliefs, then I would be rejected, and therefore become even more insecure. During my freshmen year, I happened to bump into a friend who fell in love with photography, just like I did. As I got to know this person, she became very accepting of who I was as a believer. One time when I was playing random Christian music out loud, she actually started to dance along with it. I was a bit surprised over how much she enjoyed it, and I ended up exposing her to more about faith, worship, love, trust, and prayer. That’s the moment when I started to share my testimony about how I was saved, and I began to feel more comfortable talking about why I love God. I felt joyful when I became a listener, hearing all the struggles she had, and I began to slowly help her to learn how to live a Christian life. I gladly gave her a bible to read before she went to study abroad. I am amazed how God has been using me to share what I believe.
Being aware of God’s presence has also been another challenge that I look out for because without God, I will lose my faith and my relationship with Him will grow strained. Establishing a close relationship with Him is very real and important to me. Throughout my college life, I’ve learn how to step out of my comfort zone and be unafraid. Either way. people would either accept me or not. If not, then it is what it is and I have to move on to something better.
I understand that things may not always turns out how I want them to. But that’s expectations. I do not take anything for granted because I’ve been given a life with purpose. A purpose full of goals for myself to accomplish, following along with my strengths and weaknesses. Who knows what’s going to happen to me, but I know that God has a perfect plan for me because his plan works out better than I could plan by myself. Sometimes it is best to do show what I can do, and let God handle the rest. By going to a liberal college, I have the opportunity to find out how people respond to these situations.I realized people around me were very accepting and respectful of me. I could care less about how people think of me. I’m not here to get attention, but to know and appreciate how much God loves me unconditionally. Whatever is going to happen, I will learn how to accept the way it is, because there’s always something better out there than what I expected. Not having the time to make room for myself to read my Bible on a daily basis is nothing for me to be guilty about, because I know God loves me no matter what, and He understands me.
