I’ve never watched the Miss America pageant—my only knowledge of beauty pageants consisted of "Miss Congeniality," John Oliver’s deep dive, and "Toddlers in Tiaras" gifs…until now. Last Sunday night, yours truly sat down to watch the two-hour, live showing of the 95th annual Miss America pageant. It was everything I expected and more.
The show kicked off by introducing us to the 52 contestants in a "Birdman"-style video, complete with beach balls, boats, umbrellas, intricate formation changes, and some improvisational golf club dancing. It was spectacular.
We then met 6 of our 7 judges for the evening, a panel composed of women artists, past Miss America contestants, and Brett Eldredge, naturally. Our seventh judge was none other than Miss America 1984, Vanessa Williams. After her rousing performance of “Oh How The Years Go By,” the Miss America Organization finally apologized for unfairly revoking her crown. I didn't really understand what was going on and I had never heard about her scandal before (I actually had no idea Vanessa Williams existed), but people seemed touched and the media have gone crazy, so I’m assuming this apology was a big deal.
After meeting our judges, 15 contestants advanced to the first round. This drastic cut left 37 women to spend the remainder of the show siting on the stage in sparkly black dresses, pretending to be happy for their peers and attempting to catch the eye of Nick Jonas. (I also don’t know why he was involved—I thought his career was on the rise.)
Round One was “Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit,” which is when beautiful humans strut around in bikinis and we judge who looks the most “confident.” Afterwards, the contestants waited with baited breath in garbage bag sarongs to learn which 12 women would progress to the second round. Spoiler: They all had great bodies, bouncy hair, and runway walks to rival that of Miss J. Alexander.
Round Two focused on the women’s ability to move in heels while dressed in “Evening Wear.” I don’t know if you heard, but Sherri Hill provided the Sherri Hill dresses and Sherri Hill gowns that the beautiful Sherri Hill women wore thanks to Sherri Hill and the generous Sherri Hill contributions of Sherri Hill. This round was less memorable than it was interesting, and it wasn’t very interesting. Sherri Hill.
Round Three was the talent portion. This round had an overwhelming presence of singing and a disappointing lack of fire juggling. I learned that opera singers have expressive collarbones and that, in certain environments, spoken word is better left unspoken. To my great, Miss Alabama, also known as “Egg McMuffin,” spent most of her routine dropping to the floor and picking herself up, in strict adherence to the Ten Second Rule.
Round Four was the “On-Stage Question.” After nearly two hours of presenting their external talents and appearances, the contestants finally had the opportunity to share their mind through a 20 second answer to one question. The questions ranged from "Who should be on the $10 bill?" (Answer: “Ellen Degeneres”) to "How should we budget the spending of Planned Parenthood?" (Answer: Something vague about education and empowering women). You’d think, after nearly a century of doing this, the Miss America Organization would’ve learned how to ask important, applicable questions that can be answered fully in 20 seconds, but that is not the case.
Before I knew it and with a few words from our judges, it was time to crown our Miss America 2016: Georgia’s Betty Cantrell. I don’t really know much about her and I still don’t really know what her future role as America's Miss will entail, but “There she is, Miss America.”
Congrats, Betty.
