By the time this article is published, I probably will have already started my senior year of college and posted a "last first day of school!!!!" photo. All at once I feel incredibly excited and anxious for the year, but I also feel completely checked out already. I don't know what happened, but over the summer something just changed in me. It feels as though I've already graduated. I was trying to pinpoint exactly why I feel this way, and I've come to the conclusion I think it's because I'm simply in a season of self-care and personal work.
I feel like my entire education – my entire life really – has been pretty tumultuous and has never stayed consistent for very long. Whether it was moving back and forth between mom's house or dad's house every week when I was a kid to transferring schools halfway through high school and then doing the same in college, I almost feel like I've never been truly settled – except since coming to USC.
USC is the most "home" I've ever felt, and I never thought I would be sad to be ending my college career so soon.
Even still, I absolutely have senioritis. I can't bear the thought of finishing general education requirements or going through the motions of the grunt work of school. That being said, I'm beating this bad case of senioritis by focusing on what I want out of my college career and where I hope to be after – and that extends beyond textbooks or professional bounds.
This year will be my year. It will be my year to focus on the things, people, and experiences I want to focus on. Whether that is in the classroom, in the theatre, or out on the town (who do I think I am? I've just recently begun going out, my gosh…), this year is going to really be a year where I focus on analyzing what I want, how I'm going to get it, and getting out of my own way. I've been very open and honest in my articles about my struggles with food, exercise, body image, and my past traumas, and only now am I beginning to realize how I use those things to self-sabotage…but I've decided that just as seniors retire at some point, this year will be my retirement of me being my own worst enemy. When I walk across that stage and flip my tassel, you can bet it will mean more than just graduating from school.
