Be Who You Are, and Don't Apologize For It.

I’m really writing this piece because there have been a lot of things going on in my life where I question my character and who I am as a person. I have been bullied for a large portion of my life, from when I was a kid, to the finish line of my teen years. Bullying can change a person a lot. From wanting to change how you look, all the way to getting anxiety and depression because of everything you went through.

The situations that I have dealt with from the past have made me the person I am today. I don’t only mean that I have gotten stronger, which is usually what people think the outcome of these obstacles are. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a motto that is used a lot to explain to someone that it’s okay to deal with the hardships life puts on you. While that may be true, getting “stronger” isn’t the only result.

Commitment Issues.

What I have went through in my life, specifically with boys and fake friends, has led to commitment issues. I can’t start talking to a boy without certain thoughts going through my mind. These thoughts include: “He is going to think I’m not skinny, and will stop talking to me”, “He is going to see that one instagram picture and judge me because you can see my double chin”, “He just wants me for sex, and doesn’t think I can handle a relationship”, or my personal favorite, “I am going to have an anxiety attack in front of him and he will get scared and leave”. It’s hard to completely put yourself out there for a boy when the rest of them have screwed you over.

Now, fake friends. I have dealt with SO MANY in my life. I dealt with them from 5th grade when my friends wanted to start a band and made someone else the manager. I also deal with them now in my 20s, when I get spoken about behind my back or when someone is nice to me one day, and then the next day isn’t nice at all. These people that I have encountered in my life, have made me struggle with friendships now. I can’t make long term friends now because I am scared they will leave. When you have been left alone so much in your life, you become immune to the fact that you will be alone and the only real friend you will have is yourself. There are those friends who can prove you wrong, but those are very rare.

I have a meltdown almost every time I’m drunk.

I always seem to be apologetic for this. They say that “drunk words are sober thoughts”. That is probably true because you can curse someone out when you’re drunk and tell them how much they’re a horrible person, but you wouldn’t dare to say that when you’re sober. I have those rare times where I can have fun when I drink, but it usually results in me crying about how I’m alone. Moral of this story, don’t use alcohol as a way to numb the pain, because it is only temporary and the pain gets worse once the alcohol soaks up.

I have Anxiety Attacks.

Anxiety is something that a lot of people can relate to. The situations in my life have increased my anxiety, meaning that a random thought or action can trigger me. I get anxiety when people speak loudly. I get anxiety when I have fights with my mom. I get anxiety when my friends are upset at me. I get anxiety when I’m even upset with myself. This makes it particularly hard to have long-term friendships or relationships. For the people who don’t understand why anxiety is a big deal, here it is in a nutshell. One minute, I can be so happy and smiling and the next minute, I get a random thought and I start to hyperventilate. That is anxiety and that is me.

I am an emotional mess.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I get judged about this. That is usually the first thing people think about when they think of me. “Oh, Amanda? You mean the dramatic one?” Yeah, I kind of put that on myself with the whole meltdown while drunk thing and being upset when someone leaves me out of their plans. This goes back to going through hardships in your life. You can go through so many and not necessarily come out an emotionless rock, but the exact opposite. I like to think of myself as an emotional sea. Don’t get me wrong, nowadays, it is hard for me to get as emotional because of the death of my grandma and other situations. But, I will always have that emotional side of me.

Basically to wrap this all up, this decade of our 20s is the best and worst time. We are still growing everyday, though. We are dealing with life as it comes to us. I always want to leave my readers with this: know your worth. You are who you are, and don’t let anybody change you. That boy will come along and realize how amazing you are, that girl who you think is too beautiful for you will come along and fall in love with you, and all of the friends who are worth it will be there to make those amazing memories and won’t bring toxicity into your life. Be yourself, and don’t apologize for it.