Batman's Penis Is Experiencing Knightfall

Batman's Penis Is Experiencing Knightfall

Batman: Damned? Censors be damned.

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Dark, gritty, Freudian slips, that's what DC Comics are known for. It's no surprise that Bruce Wayne has been dealt something to rival his childhood trauma: his manhood. From artist Lee Bermejo ("Batman: Noẽl") and writer Brian Azzarello ("Joker"), "Batman: Damned" bears flesh and blood, and flesh again.

The Joker is supposedly murdered and Batman is looking for his killer, but the culprit, like Batman's "sidekick," takes on existential proportions. The graphic novel is the first installment in DC's Black Label series, publishing panels for mature readers.

Vox's Alex Abad-Santos shows the uncensored and censored comparisons and acknowledges the controversy over male nudity from a comic book, saying it was "a brilliant marketing move."

Late night hosts Seth Myers and Stephen Colbert took jabs at Batman too. Seth mentions how "glad [he is] that [Batman's] parents aren't alive to see this." Stephen shares a scene from the animated TV show "Super Friends" and a right-wing view.

Others like Scott Snyder, scheduled for a future DC Black Label Batman story, has no skin in the game, where he tweets:

Martian Manhunter. Just wait... Honestly though, I don't see the big deal re: Batman: Damned. The most wild, daring stuff is in the storytelling. The nudity is secondary and more symbolic, just showing Bruce more exposed, vulnerable.

Batman is a creature of the night, so it makes sense why he would be free as a bat in the comfort of his Bat Cave. He disrobes, the Batcomputer does a body scan, (for injuries, not size) and the loins are... lost in the shadows.

According to The Guardian, only 115,000 copies in print feature a full frontal Batman while the digital versions and reprints have a complete blackout silhouette. The DC Black Label does what it promises with this adaptation of the Batman universe but revokes the original panel due to the unflattering opinions of readers, saying this kind of imagery is "not additive" to the story.

The addition of a nude male superhero, one that is in literal darkness, to begin with, is on par with some of the female superheroes' less-than-practical and more-than-revealing costumes.

Mature readers can read pass a "sex sells" ploy here, but it is understandable why the story loses focus, even if it is a brief moment. DC Comics has decided to place Batman: Damned #1 out of publication indefinitely, making the issue a hot collector's item.

But does it really hurt the Batman mythos? Were people not aware that a man dressed as a bat had a penis? What's next, Superman wears rubbers?

If it's not too much violence, it's too much nudity and vice versa. Even it's anatomical position could be incorrect, but regardless, it's a comic book, people. Exposing the man behind the mask with everything he was endowed did not hurt more than it helped.

Readers forget the orphaned, playboy billionaire and remember the vigilante hero in search of justice. Long story short, a person's entitled to drop their trousers after a hard night of crime-fighting.

So make like Batman and suspend your disbelief.

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Why Kirito Is The Worst Anime Character Ever

Talk about wish fulfillment.
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Kirito – most of us know this character. He’s the guy with the cool-looking dual swords from the 2012 anime "Sword Art Online." We’ve seen dozens of guys cosplay him at conventions, in all of his different forms and different story arcs. He’s a popular character from a popular series. But being popular or otherwise well-liked doesn’t always make a good character. For anyone who’s ever watched "Sword Art Online," let’s be honest – he sucks. He may be the best player in SAO (and ALO and GGO and every other virtual reality game ever), but when it comes to anime, he’s the worst. Here’s why.

He’s stupidly OP.

Seriously, he was at level 70 by the end of the third episode. And then, of course, he’s the only character who can dual wield in the game. There isn’t even a conflict when he eventually faces the main antagonist – he “dies” for dramatic effect, but within minutes, he comes right back and whoops the guy. You’d think that he’d have at least some kind of challenge in SAO II when he game jumps to Gun Gale Online, but nope – he’s still using an f’ing sword. Who cares about his stats – we all know that in a real fight, he'd be dead af.

He has no personality.

So edgy...

Clearly SAO writer Reki Kawahara spent way more time developing Kirito’s powers than his personality. There is nothing interesting about him whatsoever. NOTHING. I was more intrigued by some of the background characters than I was with the guy who’s supposed to be the main protagonist (shout out to that one kid who tried playing as a girl). He just fights enemies while being fawned over by girls, and that’s it. His only flaw was that he was too powerful – and the fact that he brought a sword to a gun fight – because basically, his sword skills define his character.

He’s a player… and I’m not talking about video games.

He can’t even stay focused on one girl! In addition to surviving virtual reality, "Sword Art Online" is supposed to be about the love story between Kirito and Asuna; so why does he need an entire harem? He spends the entire second half of SAO traveling and battling to rescue Asuna, and then in SAO II he’s in a cave all cozied up with Sinon during the Bullet of Bullets tournament (sucks that Asuna only calls him out on it in the light novel – come on girl, you can do way better). But yeah, someone has serious commitment issues here.

And that is why Kirito is the absolute worst. Here are a few things I think the writers could have done to improve his character:

Make him a noob: Obviously he doesn’t have to be a noob for the entire series, as characters are supposed to grow and progress throughout a story, but nobody should have maxed out stats after playing only a few levels. Show us the early stages when Kirito struggles to master basic skills and maybe even gets his butt handed to him a few times.

Make him a jerk: Something Witty Entertainment (SWE)'s "Sword Art Online Abridged" does this really well. Not only would he have a personality, but for the most part, he would have one unconventional trait for a typical hero. It was easy for them to make Kirito charming and affable, but he could have potentially been a really funny character with a sarcastic and obnoxious personality.

Make him a 40-year-old man: Holy major plot twist Batman! SAO could have possibly had the shocker of the century if Kirito had turned out to be anything other than a teen. That would of course throw the mirror effect out the window, but even losing that minor plot detail would have been worth it. Can you imagine the dynamic change between Kirito and Asuna?

Do you think that Kirito is the worst anime character? Or is he the wish fulfillment you always wanted to see? Answer in the comments!

Cover Image Credit: Tarmirel Vault

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The Most Profound Thing Technology Has Ever Done For Me Is Allow Me To Enter The World Of Fanfiction

If I were a superhero, fanfiction would have been my radioactive spider.

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This is a story less about the technology itself but rather to what it granted me access.

I have always been an avid reader. I loved books since I was in elementary school. I had started reading when my mother told me how she used to read all the time. She had told me her favorite series was "Nancy Drew," so, since I was at the age where I wanted to be just like my mom, when I went to the library, I checked out a lot of the books from the series. Since then, you would rarely find me without one or two books on my person or shoved up to my face.

I loved the stories, the worlds that were offered amongst the pages. I couldn't get enough and I marveled at how people could weave such tales and complex characters to share with the world. I was a regular at my school and public libraries, and I spent as much time as I could in one of them. When I had to leave, I dragged the books with me.

When I was in seventh grade, I had a class in the computer lab. We were given free rein of the Internet, and I was currently caught up in a series by Anthony Horowitz called "Alex Rider." Throughout the many books, the main character, Alex Rider, remained 14 despite the many things that were happening in his life. I was curious to see if he ever aged up.

On Google, I searched, "Does Alex Rider turn 15?" I was faced with a few links that explained what the series was about, about the author, and such things, including an answer to my question. Yes, he did eventually have his birthday. I clicked to the next page for more information, and at the top, I saw "Alex Rider Crossover | Fanfiction." Intrigued, I clicked on it, and that is when my life changed.

Fanfiction is a curious thing. It is how fans can interact with the fictional works they enjoy, creating their own stories using the templates the original creators had set or manufacturing new tales by their inspiration. Until then, I had never heard of it.

When I clicked on that link, I was faced with hundreds of stories about Alex Rider, but none of them were by Anthony Horowitz. These stories were written by fans of the books. They had taken what Horowitz created and went with it their own ways, expanding past the plot, exploring alternate paths, or giving life to their own desires for the characters.

Just like with most books, I dived right in and became obsessed, realizing eventually that there was more than crossover and more than Alex Rider on the website. A whole new world had been revealed to me. Every time I had access to the Internet, you would find me on that archive of tales. Once I made myself well acquainted with all I sought, I realized...I wanted to do what these people were doing. It had never really occurred to me that I could do what the authors of the books I loved did. I never thought I could be a writer.

I had written essays and made up small stories, but I had never considered that I could forge my own narratives until I saw others already doing it. Authors had always been these untouchable masters of their crafts, their skills to be admired but never matched, but this archive was filled with a bunch of people like me, fans of fiction and their own ideas on what to do with it.

My first piece was terrible, but at the time, after I opened Microsoft Word and wrote my first work, I was Shakespeare. I was the cream of the crop, master of literature and prose. I became a writer at that moment, and I still am. I am proud to say that I have evolved over the years, grasping the concept of plot and improving my skill with grammar and expanding my repository of vocabulary.

So maybe it wasn't the technology itself that impacted my life, but it was what technology allowed me to glimpse in that prime moment that shaped a lot of who I am today. I am a writer. It is a large part of my identity.

I have old books filled to the brim with burgeoning ideas that I used to drag around with me until they started falling apart, writing in them constantly when I should have been paying attention in class. I have countless documents of rarely completed ideas and half-baked plots stored on my hard drive (though some have been lost over the years) and even more stories than that constantly ruminating in my mind from when I wake up until I fall asleep, creating stories in my dreams. My college essay was about being a writer, and I write for magazines and blogs.

I am constantly using my words to express myself or weave my own worlds, and yes, I still partake in fanfiction. If I were a superhero, fanfiction would have been my radioactive spider. I don't know who I would be if it wasn't for it. It is through the same technology that made me discover my voice that allows me to this day to share it, and I don't plan on ever stopping.

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