If you’ve ever read Shane Ryan’s “Secretly/Profoundly Horrifying Song Lyrics” series on Paste, you’ll have an idea of what I’m about to do here. In fact, it was those articles that inspired me to write this one. Because there just ain’t enough analyses, Shane. There are so many other horrifying song lyrics out there, just waiting to be analyzed.

If you’ve never read any of Ryan’s “Secretly/Profoundly Horrifying Song Lyrics,” then I’ll tell you what I’m doing: I pick a song and analyze a line, or a few lines, of the song at a time. By the end of the song we will have an analysis of the song—based on what I see in it, which is mostly going to be weird, disturbing stuff. You may see other things, perhaps even more terrifying things than I. That’s great! Let me know in the comments.

I could have chosen any number of songs, and I realize this choice might not be the best to start out with. However, it popped into my head first, so it’s what I’m analyzing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an analysis of “Kiss on My List” by Daryl Hall and John Oates.

Before I start, I must grieve: what happened to you, Daryl and John, in 1980? Was the allure of pop star fame and more money that convincing? What happened to the soul? What happened to the depth? How do you explain going from “Every Time You Go Away” to “Private Eyes”?

Enough mourning. On to the lyrics.

“My friends wonder why I call you all of the time
What can I say
I don't feel the need to give such secrets away”

So his friends are concerned about this guy’s relationship. Something must be going all, because it seems they’re all asking him about the same thing: why he calls his girlfriend 24/7. They are all noticing the same issue. But this obviously isn’t a big deal to our speaker. In fact, he sees the reason as a secret, and doesn’t think he needs to tell his friends.

This raises some suspicion. Why would he not want to tell his friends why he calls his girlfriend? He likes her. Maybe there is a specific reason why he likes to call her, but regardless, it shouldn’t be anything shocking to his friends, who probably have had girlfriends they like to talk to on the phone, too. Why is this reason a secret anyway? This guy’s attitude is very nonchalant. I’m a bit concerned.

“You think maybe I need help, no, I know that I'm right
I'm just better off not listening to friends' advice”

Well, being unable to accept friends’ advice is a problem. And it seems his girlfriend thinks he needs help, not just his friends. Wow. He doesn’t want to listen to her either. The speaker should at least be willing to step back and take a look at himself—but alas, in the throes of romance, he cannot. He knows he’s right. But this also implies he thinks he’s right all the time. Why does this guy continue to have friends anyway? In fact, why does this girl continue to date him? He thinks he’s above everybody else.

And what is his friends’ advice? That he break up with his girlfriend? I can understand not wanting to do that. Or, is it that he stop and look at where the relationship is going—perhaps stop calling his girlfriend all the time? This seems more reasonable, and really pretty smart. That this advice is backed up by the girlfriend only makes it seem smarter. But our speaker isn’t going for it. It’s his way or the highway, baby, and the highway’s for dummies. That is, not our speaker.

“When they insist on knowing my bliss
I tell them this
When they want to know what the reason is
I only smile when I lie, then I tell them why”

So he’s finally going to tell us the reason why he talks to his girlfriend all the time. Wait—I thought he didn’t see the point in revealing such a secret. Why the sudden change of mind? Is his friends’ insistence enough to get him to change? This speaker suddenly seems a lot less stubborn. Maybe he’s just putting up a front. Maybe he even, in his subconscious, is considering his friends’ advice. (Though I doubt it.)

“I only smile when I lie.” Hm. This seems to contradict the speaker’s agreeable attitude in this stanza. In fact, this line is pretty disturbing. Does it mean he’s smiling when he tells his friends this reason? That would imply the reason is a lie. Or does it mean he’s not smiling when telling the reason, hence making his reason truth? And the way he says “I only smile when I lie” makes me think that no one else knows this little secret. (Oh look, another secret. This guy seems to hide a lot of himself.) Neither his friends nor his girlfriend know this. Maybe his lack of smiling is why they don’t believe his reason. Or maybe his smile convinces them he’s telling the truth when really he’s telling a lie.

But why would he be lying about why he talks to his girlfriend? Doesn’t he love her?

Maybe knowing the reason will help us.

“Your kiss is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list
Because your kiss is on my list of the best things in life
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss I can't resist
(Because your kiss) is what I miss when I turn out the light”

First of all, what a terrible rhyme, though it does make for a catchy, albeit crummy, pop tune. Second of all—okay, her kiss is his bliss. And on his list. This is understandable. He seems a little attached though, if he misses her kiss right when he goes to bed. Does he never see this woman? Does he only talk to her on the phone? I could understand why he might be missing her kisses then. But if not—if they kiss regularly—why can’t he just go to sleep? He’ll kiss her again soon.

I’ve never heard of anyone making a list of the best things in life. Hm. Maybe I should try this.

I’m still wary of this being a lie, though. This guy seems very contradictory and subtle. I don’t like it.

“I go crazy wondering what there is to really see
Did the night just take up your time, 'cause it means more to me”

Have they only spent one night together? It sure seems like they know each other better than that. Regardless, now he’s doubting her. But what is he going crazy about exactly? This guy is really vague. Does he think the girlfriend is cheating on him? Is he simply wondering if she likes him as much as he likes her?

Again though, he’s assuming superiority—the night meant more to him than it meant to her, he thinks. He values their relationship more. This speaker feels quite highly of himself.

“Sometimes I forget what I'm doing, I don't forget what I want
Regret what I've done, regret you, I couldn't go on”

Ah, he admits a flaw, but I’m sensing he forgets what he’s doing only because of his obsession with this girl’s lips. “I don’t forget what I want” confirms this—what he wants is her kiss, and it’s the only thing he can think about. This is getting a bit dangerous. Can he even function in society? I sure hope he doesn’t work in some kind of warehouse with big heavy machinery. Someone might get seriously injured because this guy is dreaming of his girlfriend’s lips. Then Mr. Kiss List will get sued, and no one wants to see that.

Also, based on what I know of the speaker thus far, “sometimes” seems like an understatement. He’s trying to make himself look good. I’m thinking he’s off in dreamland more than that.

So what he’s done is connected to this girl. What has he done? Of course he doesn’t tell us. Is this woman married? That would actually make a lot of sense, and explain why this guy is being so secretive.

Whatever it is, he refuses to regret it, because it’s just so good. He could not survive if it was wrong. So this love, whatever it is, is only right, according to our speaker. He can do no wrong.

This is scary. No wonder this lady insists he needs help.

“And if you insist on knowing my bliss
I'll tell you this
If you want to know what the reason is
I'll only smile when I lie, then I'll tell you why”

So now she wants to know his bliss. Apparently she is in the dark as much as his friends. This is really concerning. If he loves her so much, why doesn’t he let her in on this secret? And why does he tell his friends before he tells her? Maybe he’s more nervous telling her, since the relationship is between him and her. Okay. But still, he’s taken way too long to let her know why he likes her.

Again, smiling equals lying. He’s deceitful. This moment, unlike with the speaker’s friend, is right in the present; he’s about to tell her the reason, so he says “I will only smile” and “I will tell you why.” His girlfriend, and us, are on the edge of our seats (although we already know what’s coming next, so we shouldn’t be).

This sounds to me like this reason (i.e., the kiss) is a lie, except for the word “then.” “Then” makes it sounds like the speaker is smiling and lying, and then telling her the reason—which could be the truth. And if the reason is not the lie, then what is the lie? What does he tell her, and his friends, right before he tells them why? This doesn’t make much sense and is very convoluted, but then, I’m not putting anything past our speaker, who is himself a very convoluted guy.

I’m still inclined to think he’s lying. Why would he bring up the lying if it didn’t have to do with the reason why he calls her? That reason is what this whole song is about anyway.

“Your kiss is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list
Because your kiss is on my list of the best things in life
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss I can't resist
(Because your kiss) is what I miss when I turn out the light”

Back to the chorus. Her kiss is his bliss and on his list. (I can’t take it anymore.) A lie, or not a lie? I have no idea. Maybe I’m just dense. Someone help me out here.

He gushes about her kiss a lot. In fact he can’t seem to stop singing about it. Could it be he’s trying to compensate for his lying by making her think this kiss is really, really special to him? I think it’s possible.

About the list: if it is of the best things in life, and if a kiss is on it, then if this speaker ever gets a new girlfriend whose kiss he likes more, won’t her kiss go on the list and this lady’s kiss get removed? Does that seem right? After all, this is a list of the best things in life, according to the speaker. Can the list ever change? This could be a problem if Mr. Kiss List ever gets a new girl.

“I really miss you babe”

Where did she go? Or, where did he go? Why did they separate in the first place? Because of an affair? Maybe this is him simply lying in bed at home, without her, longing for her kiss. He also calls her “babe,”a sweet term. Maybe this love is genuine. Maybe he has to travel for work, and simply misses his wife. That makes sense. But remember that even his girlfriend/wife wants him to get help. Thus, this line does nothing to quench my concern about our speaker.

“Your kiss is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list
Because your kiss is on my list of the best things in life
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss I can't resist
(Because your kiss) is what I miss when I turn out the lights

Your kiss is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss I can't resist
Because your kiss is on my list of the best things in life”

Yeah, he can’t stop thinking about her kiss, and everyone else thinks he has a problem. He’s too obsessed with her—even she thinks so. I’m on her side, frankly. This is one messed-up relationship. This guy is either in denial or, even scarier, genuinely thinks he’s right all the time. Get out of this relationship, and fast, lady. Run, run, run.

Time to rank this on the Disturbing Meter. Since I created it, I’m designating it as a meter from 1 to 10, 1 being not very disturbing, 10 being absolutely blood-curdling terrifyingly disturbing.

I’d give “Kiss on My List” a 4.5, although as of yet I have no other songs with which to compare it. This song is disturbing, especially with the mentions of lying, but there’s a chance there could be some real love here. Maybe.

Thoughts? Song suggestions? I will have you know that I am not very “up” on contemporary music; I’m a big fan of oldies and classic rock. However, I will consider any song thrown my way. If it’s one I don’t know, I’ll make sure to get acquainted with it. Please comment!