There are those who live a life of poise and grace, otherwise known as princesses. Then, there are those who have an awkward encounter every now and again. These lucky humans may be found verbalizing "How embarrassing!" after dropping a piece of paper. Continue searching and you find a rare breed of individuals who somehow manage to attract awkward situations like a magnet.
My fellow awkward-attracters, embrace this. Our lives are like a slightly uncomfortable sitcom we carry with us wherever we go. You may have recollection of experiences such as the following:
1. When you start a conversation with someone and they have absolutely no idea.
"Hey, I loved your presentation! What got you interested in that topic?"
*Continues walking, unfazed*
It doesn't help if you are already soft-spoken, but even if you lift your voice, everyone will hear you except for the one you're trying to talk to. Then, one of two things will happen. 1) You get the pity looks from those who realized what just happened. Or 2) Someone will turn it into a scene, shouting from across the room, "HEY! SO-AND-SO HAD A QUESTION!" in which case you immediately regret not being a turtle.
2. The vehicle by which you traverse life is the third wheel.
Your relationship friends are the best, but you start questioning things when you've been on more dates with couples than with actual dates.
3. When you bought all the things.
Is there some hidden closet where people store their stuff that I just don't know about?
4. When cold season hits.
Are you really sick if you aren't hoarding tissues?
5. When you have no idea what someone just said, but you've already asked "What?" at least once.
*Crosses fingers that it wasn't a question*
6. Every step is taken in the form of tripping.
There is nothing obviously wrong with my shoes. Or the ground. What is the meaning of this.
7. When you think you see someone you know… but then you realize you definitely don't know that person at all.
Hey- *immediately turns around*
8. When someone else waves, and you don't know if you're supposed to know them, or if they're waving at someone behind you.
Hey- *immediately turns around* (the sequel)
9 - 16. Eating in public just never seems to work out how you planned.
There are so many things that can go wrong during a meal, and for you, they all come to pass. You struggle to cut a piece of your food, then it finally gives way resulting in the knife clanging against the plate, your food flung, or your plate flying. If the plate is styrofoam, you very well may cut right through the plate. Nothing can go right in this situation; it's just a matter of how wrong will it go.
Next comes the difficult task of getting the darn thing on your fork. You poke and jab and chase it around like you're an amateur food herder, and by the time you finally get it on the fork, you glance up and notice whoever is across the table, clearly impressed by how difficult you find this mundane task, his or her food morsel perfectly centered on the utensil.
The dangers don't stop there. You may have had to resort to using your fingers to get it there in the first place, but next comes getting the food to your mouth.
A treacherous journey indeed.
All along the way, crumbs descend like boulders from a cliff. Sauces plummet like hail onto the table.
You get some on your lap in the process, and then - you miss your mouth. Either it hits your cheek, your tooth, something. Long story short, halfway through the meal you look like a five-year-old trying to eat a five-course meal.