I love my family. I love my country. I love funnel cake, I love Crown Royal, and because I am typing this, as opposed to speaking face to face, I can say that I love my friends. I love them dearly, I just loathe saying it out loud. Not because I don’t mean it, but because it’s such an imposing word. “Love” is one of those words that carries such a weighted importance, equivalent only to “life” or “death” or “money”. Which is why nothing fills me with dread quite like friends saying “I love you”, or “love ya”, or anything other well-intentioned variation on that. The seconds that immediately follow are agonizing, and anyone who shares this problem can easily identify, but with these six handy tips, you'll be able to safely dodge the bullet that is feeling.
1. Process It - They didn’t just say that. Why would they say that? Sure we’ve been friends for years and years, but that doesn’t warrant LOVE. Couldn’t they say something easier to digest, like “I dislike you less than most other people”?
2. Accept It - Okay, they said love. Now they’re staring at you. Are you frowning? Don’t frown at someone after they say that they love you. Okay, now you’re smiling too intensely, you look like you’re about to skin them. Tone it down. There, a normal, human smile in response to a kind statement.
Smile, nod, and never let them see you sweat.
3. Stall - If you really can’t bring yourself to return the sentiment, this is a surefire way to buy you a few seconds so that you can think of an adequate response. Just be sure not to make it condescending. If you weren’t blessed with the theatrical capabilities of people such as Meryl Streep or myself and can’t say it convincingly, direct eye contact and a gentle pat on the upper arm are acceptable substitutes. Just don’t spend too much time doing this or you’ll come across as Charles Manson-esque, because there’s a fine line between a prolonged silent moment meaning "a beautiful, shared moment between friends" and "potentially homicidal".
"I love you, Meryl."
4. Respond - This is the most difficult part of this whole ordeal. If you’re unable to force the words “love you, too” out without dry heaving, there are a variety of other options, all of which are, to the untrained eye, equally acceptable. These include:
- “What a sweet thing to say!”
- “I love me, too!”
- “I feel the same way!”
- “And I return the sentiment.”
- Or, my personal favorite, you can just do what my Aunt Sylvia does and respond with an effusive “Okay.”
Do not be Eric Forman.
5. Damage Control - If your friend or significant other calls you out on your lack of sincerity or your inability to express your emotions, do what my good friend and mentor Richard Nixon did and deny, deny, deny. Flip it around and accuse them of being paranoid. Use the word “crazy” if you have to, anything to convince them that they’re wrong.
"Agnew, I just don't feel the same way."
6. Take Precautionary Steps - To avoid this ever happening again, either alienate yourself from your friends to the point where “love” is no longer an apt word to describe your relationship, or pull a Boo Radley and become a hermit so the only time you’ll ever have to say that you love somebody is on your wedding day (but then again, who would want to marry a hermit?)
Say hello to your pale, loveless future.
It can be very difficult to say that you love somebody (while sober), especially when they catch you off guard (like seriously, I couldn’t get a warning?), but with these steps, even YOU can overcome the dreaded l-word.
