T.W. This article contains mentions of general abuse and sexual assault. (Nothing more than mentions!)
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction.
Like most things in life, asexuality exists on a spectrum. The term gray-ace or gray-asexual describes someone who may not feel accurate identifying as "straight up asexual" but experiences sexual attraction at a frequency or intensity lower enough than the perceived societal norm that a different term can better describe their experience with sexual attraction.
Demi-sexuals are another group under the asexual umbrella. They only experience sexual attraction to people they are they are already in a strong, emotionally intimate relationship with.
Here are six misguided phrases asexuals seem to get a lot:
1. Isn't that just Celibacy?
Incorrect! Celibacy is a lifestyle choice, where as asexuality is a sexual orientation. People choose to be celibate because that's what lifestyle is most empowering for them-- kind of like choosing to be vegan. Asexuals are born with their sexual orientation. (You know, just like everyone else!)
2. So... are you a girl or a boy?
I've often seen people confuse asexuality for a gender identity. Usually, this is simply a case of people just being unfamiliar with the word 'asexual.' Other times, it's due to people confusing sexual orientation with gender identity.
gender identity = who you are
sexual orientation = who you are sexually attracted to
Gender identity and sexual orientation are completely separate! Just as women who aren't straight are still women, asexuals come in every gender there is.
3. So you're not into anyone AT ALL?
Wrong again!
This is the tricky part-- everyone has both a romantic orientation and a sexual orientation. Sexual orientation describes who you are sexually attracted to, whereas romantic orientation describes who you want to date and do romanc-ey things with.
Asexuals can have a wide range of romantic orientations! Panromantic, heteroromantic, biromantic, homoromantic... you get the drift.
Someone who doesn't experience romantic attraction is Aromantic. Many asexuals identify as aromantic, but you don't have to be asexual to identify as aromantic! Many people who are not asexual don't experience romantic attraction and have every right to identify as aromantic.
3. If you're not having sex, aren't you just friends?
Society has ingrained in us that romantic relationships ALWAYS involve sex. Not true! Couples can have extremely strong emotional intimacy even without sex.
This kind thinking, where everyone has to have the same kind of relationship stems from "amatonormativity." That's the same phenomenon that pressures women to feel like they need to want children, pressures men to feel like they need to be the one to make the first move or "pop the question," and insists that monogamy is the only way to go.
4. You're just a prude/virgin/geek/late bloomer.
When people tell you their sexual orientation, just believe them m'kay? It's never your place to judge the validity of someone else's sexual orientation.
Besides, these are all harmful stereotypes people hold against the asexual community-- no need to perpetuate that.
5. You Should Get Your Hormones Checked!
Okay, I know people mean well when they say this, but the way asexuals hear it is more like: "Wowza, just the IDEA of you not wanting sex makes me think there must be something wrong with you!!!" Which is pretty much what you are saying if you think about it.
With so little asexual visibility and so much societal focus on being sexual, a lot of asexuals are already dealing with internalized issues about something being "wrong" with them. We don't need you rubbing it in.
6. You're Only Asexual Because...
...you're trans, you're autistic, you're chronically ill, you're a survivor of abuse or sexual assault; any number of experiences get reduced this way.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation. It's not caused by anything. People are multifacited and can have many separate identities!
