It's been a little over a month since grief came knocking at our door and as time goes on the flowers and meals begin to trickle away.... The constant texts and cards begin to fade and we're left standing in shock as the dust from the craziness and rush of tragedy begins to settle. As we realize that this isn't just a bad nightmare.
The reality of this new life hits like a ton of bricks, takes away your breath like the raging waves of an ocean threatening to tumble you over as you desperately gasp for air. You don't even know where to begin in picking up the pieces of your broken shattered life, and the thought of even beginning that process is enough to completely overwhelm you.
Life keeps moving and time keeps ticking and all you want to do is yell "STOP" with the desperate plea that maybe if somehow time would pause you'd be slightly more capable of piecing your life back together, yet the world keeps spinning and moving not seeming to care.
Every day the nightmare becomes a little bit more real. With every step there seems to be another reminder, haunting us that she's actually gone; another first that we have to step through without our ray of joy. The beginning of our favorite sports seasons without the biggest fan in the family, the first time all of us being together means 13 people, instead of 14. The first time we have to explain that we have six siblings but one of them is in heaven. The first time I have to drive home from school alone without my sis to DJ the ride and chatter about life with.
There's a lot of firsts that we'll have to go through and I don't know if it will ever get easier.
So yes we may be back at school and work and church but just because we've re-entered into the real world doesn't mean that our lives are back to normal. Things will never quite feel normal we're not even quite sure what that means right now. The deep agony, pain, grief and sadness that we feel is something that cannot be adequately expressed or described. We hurt, but we're thankful that we hurt with hope.
We don't expect you to quite understand and it's okay if you feel like you don't have the words to say to us because there really aren't any words and we are at a loss ourselves. Just be there if we need you and pray for us. Some days we may need space and other times we may just need to be held or we may want to simply have a fun night out without thinking of any of this and sometimes we'll be emotionally overwhelmed and won't even know what we need and we may even unknowingly take that out on you; so please be patient and don't take anything personally. We're new on this path of grief and loss and are stumbling through trying to figure out how to make it on this new journey of ours.
But we’re grateful for blessings and reminders of joy and hope, time with our family to laugh and heal and the knowledge that our savior is wrapping us in his arms even when our world is crumbling around us.
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” –Psalm 34:18