How long did it take for this to become my reality?
It took one year from the day I wrote that until it became my reality. I fell in love for the first time when I was seventeen years old. It made my head spin in joyful circles and it filled my stomach to the brim with butterflies that fluttered their wings so quickly, I felt like I could levitate.
I had my heart broken three years later. The months that followed the end of my personal love era were long, eerily happy, and filled with a lot of vodka.
While being in love, I channeled all my energy into another soul. I silenced my negativity, for the sake of their happiness and I learned how to keep calm so I could remain desirable. I told myself, "If he's happy, I'm happy. If he is upset, it's my responsibility to make it better." Looking back, I can't help but laugh at myself for being so naïve: I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness but my own.
The art of healing your own heartache is a long process.
You spend days and nights alone after the heartache. Sometimes you feel numb, sometimes you feel beyond okay that it's frightening. Some days you may find yourself thinking, "Why wasn't I good enough?" or "What could I have done differently?" You spend hours analyzing every argument, the smallest details resurfacing. You surprise yourself; you didn't even know you were capable of remembering what t-shirt he wore the night he said he no longer loved you. I call that the stage of depression.
After the depression comes the stage of ugly bitterness. This surpasses any self-love and turns into cringe-worthy cockiness. I try and push past this stage as quickly as possible. It makes me feel more alone. It makes the nights I lay in bed by myself feel like I have rocks piled on top of my chest and a hand wrapped around my neck so tightly that I can't breathe. The numbness returns.
Feeling numb is okay until you forget how to feel anything at all and wonder, "Who the hell am I? What the hell am I doing?"
When you've spent any significant amount of time dedicating most of your time, energy, and efforts into the existence of somebody else, you tend to lose a part of yourself. You find yourself giving up things that made you happy because you're too preoccupied with your newfound love. You find yourself passing up opportunities because perhaps your darling dear doesn't want you to do it. In an unhealthy relationship, you tend to put your significant other's emotional status before yours. You tend to become so worried about them, that you forget to take care of yourself.
When you are healing your own heartache, remember to do the following:
Go to sleep early. You'll save yourself countless nights remembering things from the relationship that you're better off forgetting.
Call your friends and make plans with them. Because I can guarantee you, there are a few people who you probably forgot to thank and appreciate for sticking around even when you put them on pause to focus on your ex love.
Go to the gym. Running so fast that you feel like puking is always a great way to forget about your ex. And the physical pain from leg day will always surpass the emotional pain...sometimes.
Listen to a lot of music. Even if it makes you cry, listen to it. If certain songs remind you of certain moments, listen to it. It's not some weird, tortured soul method of healing, but you start to remember that if you give meaning to everything, you'll never learn how to recover.
Take warm baths. I know that sounds super cliché, but warm baths give you an excuse to cry in the shower without anyone realizing you were actually crying. It's kind of sad, but it works. I promise.
Go out by yourself and seek knowledge. Challenge yourself to learn something new, whether it be about yourself, your culture, your community. Stimulate your mind with something other than the thoughts of your used-to-be-lover.
Don't drink too much. I can't remember the last time somebody told me that drunk texts to their ex lead to anything good. And you won't have to be upset with yourself when you wake up in the morning.
Lastly, let yourself fall apart. You can learn a lot from heartache, but don't let it teach you to silence your emotions. Don't be afraid to cry or scream. I promise that crying into your pillow is much better than holding in so much emotion that you send yourself into a panic attack. Give yourself room to feel what you need to feel, but always remember to pick yourself back up. Don't give yourself so much room that the sadness and anger start defining you.
Do everything with love and remember to forgive them for breaking your heart. After that, fall in love with yourself again. You deserve your own wholesome love before anyone else does.
