Dear You,

We haven’t talked in a little over a month, and it seems like forever. There are some things I have wanted to tell you for some time now.

I wish things didn’t end the way that they did because there is so much left unsaid. Sometimes I wonder if only you could have seen my side of things, you wouldn’t have seen the girl with her guard up. You wouldn’t have seen the girl with an excuse or a comeback for everything. You wouldn’t have even seen the mean side of me that I was forced to bring out.

You would, however, have seen the person who was stressed out of her mind because she knew she was losing more and more of you with each message sent and with every second that went by. You would have seen the girl who stayed up crying at night and wondering if you missed her as much as she missed you. You would have seen the broken heart that I had to carry around with me with every step I took.

When I hear the words “best friend” I think about Christina and Meredith and about Blair and Serena. These were iconic friendships that made it through fights, abortions, divorces, being across the country and across the world from each other and all the amazing and warm and fuzzy things in between. Don’t get me wrong, we had almost a year-long run of one of the best friendships I’ve had in my life. We did everything together. Your mom was like my second mother. I knew your life story, and you knew mine. We even got a chance to road trip together for spring break.

Now, when I think back on everything, I simply just feel nostalgic. I don’t feel hate or envy towards you. I’m not sad or bitter any longer about the chain of events that led us here. I wish I could go back and change some things, but I can’t. I wouldn’t even know where to start.

You wouldn’t take my side when it mattered most. You wouldn’t listen to me. You were too stubborn and set in your ways to see my side. In the end, I did have to do what is best for me. I don’t regret that and I won’t take that back.

I wish we could still be a part of each other’s lives. I wish that we texted all day every day about everything happening in our lives. Even when you were in the same room as me, we had some secret joke that only each of us knew.

I know that you have moved on, and so have I. We are opening new chapters in our lives, and I wish we were doing it together. I don’t wish you any ill will. I wish all the best for you. I still wish for you to shine like I know in my heart you can.

I hope that next year you can come to forgive me and move on from this. Maybe I’ll be out with my friends, and I’ll get a random text from you. If that happens, I’ll be polite. I hope if our paths ever do cross we can catch up the way that old friends do.

I know you thought this would be an apology, and I do consider it to be one. I am sorry that the end of this friendship is equally my fault as it is yours. I’m sorry you couldn’t see things the way I did. I’m sorry that you didn’t stick up for me. I’m sorry you let everyone treat me so horribly when you knew full well that my world was falling apart around me. So yes, it’s an apology letter to you but not in the traditional sense.

I know that I probably won’t hear from you even though I wrote this to you. Good luck on your future endeavors. Thanks for burning bright with me for a year and giving me some of the best memories in my life and some of the worst.

And most importantly,

I forgive you, and I’m sorry.