My friends and family yell at me a lot. Why? Because I say ‘sorry’ too much. Over the years I have had countless friends respond to my apologies with cries of “stop saying you’re sorry!” To which I then apologize for as well. In addition to simply annoying my friends, it has become a serious conversation among my parents. My dad worries that my anxiety over any perceived confrontation, which I seem to combat with an apology, could even cause me major problems one day. He fears that, knowing me so well, if I were ever to get into a car accident, my first instinct would be to apologize (even if I was not the one who caused it). I was warned to never do this because my apology would be like an omission of guilt.
It took a long time for me to realize why I was actually apologizing so much and even longer to realize the ridiculousness of it all. It was, as I mentioned before, this fear of confrontation--real or imagined (almost always imagined, though). I’ve always been someone who wants to please others, to a flaw. A flaw that has led me to always saying yes to the things I cringe to say no for but smile while I do anyways. I’d apologize when someone walked into me. Instead of acknowledging that they weren't paying attention, I'd immediately credit it as me being in the way. I’d apologize for being too excited. I’d apologize for making too much noise (even if my stomach can’t help it). I found myself essentially apologizing for my existence on the daily. I’m not saying it is entirely bad to apologize. I believe it is necessary to mend relationships, to express remorse over a mistake… ‘Sorry’ should be used when you have seriously hurt or offended someone. My excitement isn’t offensive and I need to stop apologizing like it is.
For some reason, I thought my apologies made me kinder, but they just didn’t seem to belong in the context of the situations I found myself apologizing in. I’ve learned that each unnecessary apology was me sacrificing more and more of myself needlessly for others. Over the past week I have seen a comic strip on apologizing circulate around social media. It’s focus is on replacing ‘I’m sorry’ with ‘Thank you.’ It’s a change I intend to try and make.
So instead of ending this piece apologizing for my apologies... I’d instead like to say thank you to the friends and family who listened to the apologies and actively tried to change my ways, tried to show me that I had nothing to be sorry for. Excitement is nothing to apologize for. Passion is nothing to apologize for. Energy is nothing to apologize for. I am nothing to apologize for.
