Anxiety is Existential

I've lived with anxiety for the past two years and more intensely these past few months. No I am not any different than you or any lesser than you, I'm just juggling an extra weight in my life. I am a victim of anxiety, extreme pain, and constant thoughts that I cannot bury. This is real people, I am living proof along with thousands of others.

I live in constant fear everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about whats wrong with me, and its the most terrible feeling. I go throughout my day wondering whats going to be next... Lower belly pain, a weird bump, a massive headache, spotting, and everything in between. I can't even start to explain how frustrating it is to always think there's something wrong with you, and how you're going to manage it.

I can't go through my day feeling comfortable. I always fear that someone's talking about me, or doesn't like me for some reason. I am never comfortable unless I'm surrounded by people I'm comfortable with. Getting through class is extremely hard, focusing on school work with thoughts in your head is almost impossible, and coping with the idea that this will never stop until I sleep is exhausting.

Yes I'm on medication but don't judge me. More than 1 in 5 people take anti-anxiety medication, it's practically normal. I recently was put on medication to secure my thoughts, and as it won't kick in for a few more weeks, I'm praying for a miracle. I can't tell you how relieved I will be when I no longer have to worry about my health or have panic attacks in the middle of class. With that being said, anxiety really never goes away in a person. Yes with help of medication and therapy I can suppress these feelings, but they will never truly go away.

I go to therapy and need constant reassurance. I'm a firm believer that everyone should have a therapist for life's ups and downs, but most importantly for reassurance. I go to therapy almost every week for constant reassurance and I'm proud to say it helps. I feel better talking my anxiety out or crying it out whenever I can, and I'm not ashamed.

I cry a lot, but I promise I'm ok. Most of the time I cry my emotions out, or get so frustrated that I cry them out, but I will be ok. I try to keep my mind off of everything as much as possible but when I'm alone, it's really hard to do that. I try to occupy my time by watching shows, studying, coloring, or the most important to me: being with my friends.

I owe my friends an enormous thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you so much to new friends and old for always loving me for who I am, and not dropping me because of my anxiety. I know its a lot sometimes for you to handle, especially when I freak out over and over again about the same thing. I owe you the world for always sticking by my side through hell. Please know it means more to me than I sometimes express. I love that you have the ability to pick me up off the floor and comfort me until I'm ok. I appreciate the small gestures and the large ones. Keeping me somewhat sane is exactly what I need.

To those going through the same anxiety as me, please remember that we're in this together. Breathe often, smile more, and surround yourself with the most kind-hearted group of friends that try to understand it as much as possible. There is hope for the future and I'm trying to find it as well.

XOXO,

Sophia