To the voice inside my head:
I wish you wouldn’t plant these seeds in my mind; they’re poisonous. I wish you didn’t create so much stress in my life. I wish I didn’t have to hear your ceaseless commentary. I wish I could get away from you.
You hold me back from a life filled with happiness and free of the constant fear and worry. It’s almost as if you love to see me drowning under the endless stream of thoughts you create in my mind. It’s exhausting, and I’m too tired to fight this losing battle. I feel like there’s no way out, but that is all I want with my entire being.
I feel ashamed when you say, “Look how your stomach juts out. You can’t even zip up your jeans, Fatty. And look at those pimples; there popping up all over. Better cake on the heavy duty concealer today.” Every time I look at myself in the mirror, you find something to ridicule. Whenever I inch near self-acceptance you strike me down with another flaw to criticize. I don’t want to hate my looks anymore.
I feel like an outcast when you say, “You have no friends. Nobody asks you to hang out because they don’t like you.” Every time I see others having fun without me, their photos plastered all over social media, you place this insecurity in my mind. You make me question myself. You make me believe I need to change who I am to fit in. I don’t want to doubt myself anymore.
I feel self-conscious when you say, “Look at those girls over there. They must be talking about you. You probably did something stupid.” Every time I see others laughing or gossiping together you place this thought in my mind. You lead me to assume people are constantly ridiculing me. Why wouldn’t they when you do it all the time? Your constant noise makes me paranoid. I don’t want to feel this paranoia anymore.
I feel panicked when you say, “Everyone else is thriving in their lives. You aren’t and you never will.” Whenever I see someone living a fulfilling, successful life you bring this up. You make me question my choices and stress over a distant future. You hinder my success by placing these restrictions on my life. There are enough things standing in my way without you adding to that pile. You create this distress, and I don’t want to worry anymore.
Why do you haunt me with these thoughts? Why do you torture me with these fears? Worrying doesn’t do anything but spoil the present moment. I am crushed under the weight of your words. You cause me to focus all my energy on the future, and in exchange, the present moment is abandoned.
I don’t want to live this life anymore because this isn’t a life at all. It’s a prison inside my own mind. I want to break free from these chains you’ve wrapped me in. I don’t want to look back years from now and see that fear consumed my life. I want to truly live. This requires your absence; I need the quiet.
