You know exactly who you are. Often times, you notice people expressing their admiration for your strength. You get asked how you always have a smile on your face, even when things aren't going so hot for you. You might even get messages from people you don't know all that well asking how you always manage to be so positive. It seems like it's pretty cool sometimes, right? Then the day comes where you aren't okay and you think back to that underclassmen who told you how much they looked up to you or your little brother telling you how much he admires you, and you feel like you can't go a day where you aren't okay. You're supposed to be strong, people are watching you, people are counting on you to be a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

I remember like it was yesterday, someone asked me how I was and I just looked blankly at them because I knew that they looked at me as the positive entity when I was around. I just sat there dumbfounded and almost ashamed of my own emotions. I quickly blurted out "Oh I'm fine, good days and bad days, you know?" That was the easiest way to express my lack of peace with my life at the time. I remember his response too, like he knew better, "Well, which is it more of, good or bad?" Again, I'm sitting there dumbfounded because I don't know how to put into words all the things I was feeling at the time. After a few moments of silence, he looks at me and says "It's okay to have more bad days than good days, you can be honest with me." He doesn't know to this day how precious those words were to me, he doesn't realize the tears that stung my eyes as I tried to stop them from falling because for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel bad for being upset. This conversation started an entire landslide of feelings that I didn't even realize were there, after suppressing so many emotions for so many months then coming to terms with all of it in a matter of minutes, it was overwhelming to say the least.

Over the next several days, I let everything out. Mostly by myself, but letting it out was still a very big hoop to jump through for me, personally. I was afraid to seek the comfort of another person, I didn't want to bring anyone down during this struggle, I didn't want to ask for help. I felt like by asking for help, I was interfering with the lives of those around me and I felt guilty for pushing any of my issues on others, everyone has their own issues to deal with right? I know, I know, that is an insane way to think. It took me a few months, but I realized how strange my mindset was in that case. I felt like those who cared for me needed me to be strong, and in my moments of weakness, I thought it would hurt them almost. I cannot pinpoint the cause for my fear of allowing people around me to see me in my moments of weakness, but I assume it had to have been some suppressed memory from my past that I have forced into the furthest corner of my mind so that I was not constantly reminded of it. Whatever it was, I knew it had to be overcome.

So often, people forget that the ones who present themselves in a positive manner still go through difficult and trying times. Don't get me wrong, keeping a positive outlook will do wonders when those negative days do come. And knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel saves you from letting the negativity drown you. So many good things come from having a realistic, yet positive view of the world and the people you encounter. Do not allow your strength to become weakness. Allowing yourself to express the pain you experience and seeking support and guidance is not negative, it does not make you weak, it shows that you are strong enough to face the issues that you experience.

I'm here to tell you that seeking support is not weakness, it is bravery. It takes true courage to assess negative situations that affect you and allow others to see into those situations, allowing someone into your brokenness only shows you how strong you really are. Strength isn't being okay all the time, it isn't smiling through the pain. And it doesn't have to be crying by yourself so no one else sees. Feel the emotions, allow yourself to experience them fully. It is not always a good feeling to let yourself open up and become vulnerable, it's hard to let people know that you feel weak. But vulnerability is human nature and it is something that is so easily forgotten. You need to be vulnerable at times, you need to remind yourself that you are human and you will feel emotions, you need to cry when you're sad and scream when you're angry, you need to allow yourself to be human.

I am the "strong" friend. I am vulnerable. I break down. I'm not always okay. And that is okay.