One day you were fine, and the next day you weren’t.

I remember the day we got you from the shelter. You were so unbelievably happy and grateful and all you wanted to do was run until you couldn’t run anymore. You soon became my best friend. To be honest, you were my only friend. I didn’t have anybody else to tell my secrets to or cry on when I was teased at school. You were the only living being I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable around. I knew, no matter what, you would be there for me. Until you couldn’t be.

I left you to live my life. I needed you for so long, and then all of a sudden I didn’t. I moved out and just left you. I didn’t leave you alone, of course. You were with mom and our sister. You were safe and loved and that’s all that mattered to me at the time. I came to visit you sometimes. Not often enough, but that wasn’t your fault. Mom and I were fighting. And you were brought in the middle. I know you felt the tension in the air. It stressed you out and I’m so truly sorry for that Poochie.

I eventually moved back in for a while, and I can’t tell you how much I missed you in the time that I was away. We started back up right where we left off. You were my Bug and I was your human. Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long because you got sick. The rainbow bridge called your name, and I was forced to let you go.

From a healthy 75 pounds to a measly 15. How did you drop that much weight within one week? We tried to get you to eat. We spoiled you with cans of that terrible smelling food you used to love so much, but you just wouldn’t eat. After a week of not sleeping, we decided to do what was necessary.

We laid you on the couch that you were never allowed on and everyone said their goodbyes. Mom cuddled you, do you remember? You laid your head on her shoulder and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Our sister took a little more convincing to get out of her room. She didn’t want to say goodbye, none of us did. She couldn’t even bear to come downstairs; eventually, she did though. She cried harder than I have ever seen her cry before. You were her first pet, her first friend, and her first responsibility. She loved you so much. I didn’t say goodbye, though, because our time wasn’t finished just yet.

I loaded you into the back seat of my car. I couldn’t believe how weightless you were. The struggle I used to go through to get you in the bathtub or pull you away from a barking dog was gone. You were a feather. I didn’t buy you a cheeseburger because you were too weak to eat it. I didn’t play the radio because I was too afraid to break your peaceful sleep. I didn’t even look in the mirror to see you because I knew I wouldn’t make it to the clinic. I knew I wouldn’t be able to let you go.

My boyfriend came with us. That blessing of a man sat with me while the vet determined the outcome I already knew. I didn’t cry in the room. I didn’t want to upset you more than you already were. I stroked your head and recapped all our time together over the years I was worthy enough to have you. The decision was made to put you to sleep. “It’s the right thing to do.” The vet told me this over and over and over, but I didn’t believe it. It’s never right to have to make the decision to end the life of another being. One that you love unconditionally. But I did it.

The room was warm and tranquil. It was meant to make people feel more peaceful and okay with their decision, but it just made me feel worse. I shouldn’t be allowed to feel at peace when my best friend was on a table clinging to the life I was about to take away. You knew what was happening. I know you did because when I grabbed the table to support myself, you placed your paw on my hand as if to comfort me. When the vet pushed down the plunger on the syringe, you looked right in my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. You were free again. Just like we freed you from that cage so many years ago, we freed you from the cancer that held you down so harshly. They wheeled you out of the room, and that was the end. I sat in that room way too long after, holding onto that amazing man. He held me so carefully as if he thought I would break into a million pieces. I didn’t say anything, and neither did he. He drove me home where I sat, silently mourning the loss of one of the few creatures on this very earth that ever cared for me more than I cared for him.

You were my Bug, and I was your human; I will miss you until I find you at the rainbow bridge.