Last night my girlfriend and I went out with some of my friends, when we got home I reminded her that Sunday was Father's Day and she needed to make sure she got her dad something, and then it crashed over me like a huge wave. This would be another year I didn't have a father to celebrate. I automatically began to sob uncontrollably, which resulted in my girlfriend trying to console me and saying something to me that really stuck.
“You have to learn to accept that this isn't your fault, he's the one who messed up"
For a long time you were my role model. The kind of person I thought everyone deserved as a father . The older I grew the less I saw that, instead I saw my first encounters of what prescription drugs do if you take too many. The worse it got, the meaner you became, and the more you fell through that rabbit hole, the more scars you left on my heart. Those scars are why I am thanking you. You toughened me up. You made me see the truth in the world. You showed me that not everyone is happy. There are a lot of things you ruined for me, but you made me strong and capable of keeping my shit together when traumatic events happen.
Don't worry, I'm okay
Obviously since you haven't been around, there are many things that I had to figure out on my own, but there were a few amazing father like figures in my life who taught me so many things, and I didn't have to beg them for the help or their attention, they did it willingly, to those men, thank you for loving me and taking care of me. I'm okay dad.
I forgive you
I resent you. I am disappointed in you. I forgive you, but I will never forget. I forgive you because I continue to believe that the drugs made your decisions for you. I will always hold a guard up high for anyone I trust in my life, because you have shown me that even someone who is literally created, and who's sole purpose is to love you, can just simply, not do so.
My wish for you
Every single night when I'm praying, I pray for you . I ask (some nights I beg and plead) God to heal you from your demons and give you peace in your life. I honestly can't imagine living with such anger and sorrow, and I wish you didn't have to either I hope that someday soon you see what life can still offer you.
I had absolutely no responsibility in you leaving me. I was a teenager. I couldn't have stopped you. I still can't heal or save you. Even though I'm just now finally realizing all this, I will still cry for you, and I will still wish that I would wake up and have my daddy again. I will always miss you.
I'm sorry that you didn't choose me, because if you knew the woman I have become, you would be sorry too.
Happy Father’s Day.