I’m racist, and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for neglecting to take the time to understand or even acknowledge the myriad of ways you, as a non-Caucasian human being, struggle daily. I’m sorry I can’t truly understand what you go through, because it’s not something I’ll ever experience. I’m sorry it’s something you have experienced, to whatever degree.

I’m not sorry I’m privileged. I’ve been lucky that I was never bullied, stereotyped, or physically assaulted because of my race. I know there’s a much larger chance I’d have endured those things if I wasn’t white. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize this, and I’m sorry you haven’t been able to live in ignorant bliss your whole life the way I have.

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to understand what it means for you when you read about police brutality, or hear Donald Trump’s racist and xenophobic comments on the news. My reaction hasn’t gone beyond “wow, that’s not right,” and you have actual cause to fear for your safety. I don’t understand what it’s like to live with the actual ever-present threat of violence. God, I’m sorry. But I’m also sorry for the littler things: stereotypical TV characters, assumptions made about you, jokes “meant to be funny.”

I’m sorry I’ve assumed small things about you based on your race. I’m sorry I haven’t always caught myself when I’m doing it. I’m sorry I didn’t apologize before. I’m sorry I still don’t know how to, and I’m sorry it’s not only too late but also impossible for me to correct all my mistakes.

I’m sorry for my insensitivity; I don’t always know what’s appropriate to say when. I’m sorry for the things I don’t realize are inappropriate or untrue or erasing or marginalizing until they’ve already come out of my mouth, my accidental microaggressions. I’m from a really white area, and before college I hadn’t even interacted with many people of color. I don’t mean to whitesplain, but I want you to know that one of the reasons for my cluelessness is that my background isn’t at all racially diverse. Anyway, I’m sorry for anything I’ve said that may have hurt you or stayed with you or tormented you. I did not intend to do so, but that is not an excuse. I just hope you know I would never insult you deliberately. I’ve screwed up a lot, and it’s because I’m ignorant, not because I wish you harm.

I’m sorry I am making this whole article about myself. It is shitty and all it's doing is alleviating some of my guilt. I just want you to know that I’m aware I’m not aware enough, and even though educating me is not your responsibility, I’m asking for your help in remedying that. I’m resolving to do more myself, and this public apology is the first step. At least, I’m resolving to take the time to think about what you, and all the POC I know, are forced to experience differently from those of us who benefit from white privilege. I want you to help me understand, help me become more attuned to the struggles you face, big and small. Please help me be better. Tell me what I’m doing wrong, even within this article, and tell me which behaviors I can adjust to make things easier for you. I want to learn.

I love you, I support you, and I hope you are okay.

Your friend,

Abby