I don't know where, but I know you're somewhere watching me. I know that you know this is the hardest thing I have ever faced. People say this is going to make me stronger than I have ever been, but I didn't want or need this challenge.

It has been 15 days since the accident. I have been sitting home alone all day and that loneliness brings so many thoughts and feelings. Although sometimes I am distracted, you never escape my mind. I want to call you and tell you how I am feeling, how sad I am without you, and how mad I am at myself for not telling you "I love you" enough, but I can't. So I will write it, and I know, somehow, you will see it.

Back story for those who don't know, but three years ago I decided to move 1,500 miles away for college to Saint Leo University in Tampa, FL. I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew I'd have fun, get a good tan, meet some decent people, and become an expert in my subject of passion; history. What I didn't know was that I would find the best friends I ever had. Saint Leo brought the entire freshman class to Animal Kingdom for our orientation. Our group of ten promised not to leave each others side and by the end of that 12 hour/90 degree day, ten strangers became a family.

Although we always remained in contact, loved each other, and still acted like a family (the most dysfunctional family you probably have ever seen) the group of ten dwindled down to a group of 5, then 4, then 3.

It was no surprise that the three girls from New England who swore a lot, had bad road rage, tempers, and loved to drink coffee became close friends. In the next three years me, you and Ava made so many memories. We traveled all over Florida, went to Disney (one too many times), played skip bo, baked cookies, drained our bank accounts, ate enough hibachi to feed a small village, made fun of each other, made fun of other people, sang 'listen' until we had no voice, snuggled, screamed "SLU Baby 2020" more than 2,020 times, went to IHOP, and sang 'listen' again on the way back. I am so thankful for these memories, and even more thankful that I have a million pictures and video of these memories that I can look back on forever.

I don't know if there's a God, I don't know who or what is up there, but I know something is for two reasons: The last time I saw you I was packing up my room to go home for the summer, and you asked to come over so we could hangout one more time before you left. We talked for hours about conspiracy theories, women's rights, and school shootings (what else is knew). But we also talked about memories. We talked about our friendship, how our friendship had evolved, how life was fun with the "trifecta" in it (that's what me, Amber, and Ava call ourselves), and how happy we were that we were at the place we were in our friendship. It wasn't common that we talked about that kind of stuff, but the last time we saw each other we did. Also, the last time we spoke was about 17 days ago. It was no coincidence, I believe, that you told me exactly what you were getting your mom for Mother's Day. One week after you passed, your mom had that gift from me, but really from you, to open. I know that is what you wanted, I know that is why you told me, and I know it made you smile.

I have never dealt with death of any kind before, so I don't know how to act, what to do, or what to say. Sometimes I start crying uncontrollably when I probably shouldn't, sometimes I post a video of you that may upset some people and realize later . Sometimes I sit and feel guilty that I am here and you are not. Sometimes I'm pissed off at the world for taking my best friend away. Sometimes I lay in bed and can't get up, and sometimes I distract myself by laughing, then feel terrible later for enjoying a moment without you here. Maybe I will learn over time the right and wrong things to say and do, but right now I'm doing the best I can.

Life won't get easier. It will be bearable. Life won't go on. I will go forward. Life won't be the same. It never will be. I am scared to go back to Saint Leo. I am scared to see all of the places we used to go and do all of the things we used to do, without you. I know I have to finish for you, but I am scared. Please Amber, give me the strength to finish this last year without you, and walk across the stage for YOU.

I will love you, miss you, and think about you every day until we meet again. I hope outer space is beautiful, and that you love it up there.

Love your bestie,

Nicole-ski