If my cat could write me a letter or leave me passive-aggressive sticky notes around the apartment, I think what she and many other pets would have to say would go a little something like this:
Dear Human,
I’m aware that you are trying to "put me on a diet." I see you writing down what time you feed me on a white board so that the other humans that live here don’t overfeed me. I do not think it is necessary; as a matter of fact, I think it is downright cruel. How about I regulate your feeding schedule?
Dear Human,
About your boyfriend: Let's keep him. He’s been easy to train, and I’ve put a lot of work into him. Plus he feeds me every time I ask because he’s too lazy to read the white board.
Dear Human,
I want you to know that I get really really really sad when you leave me for long periods of time. I usually just spend that time laying around on things and wondering where you are. What do you do? Why do you keep leaving me? Is she fluffier then me? Does she meow louder then me?
I get mad and when you come home I’m not interested in any sort of apology you might have. Unless it’s a wet food apology, in which case I forgot you even left!
Dear Human,
I’m aware that I keep waking you up at 3 a.m. with my choice words for the squirrel outside the window. I am also aware that when I venture from dresser to bed to dresser and back to bed again, I sometimes land on your head. I want you to know that I’m sorry about that. I’m also sorry that our sleeping schedules conflict regularly; you will need to fix that, and for your sake, the sooner the better!
Dear Human,
About the rules: I’m aware that the only rule you have for me that you haven’t given up on is “no kitties on the counter." However, I know something that the dog doesn’t know, and that is that the rules don’t apply unless the humans are home. So I’m sorry that sometimes I forget you’re home, but guess where I am every second that you’re not home?
I’m on the counter.
Dear Human,
Repeat after me: “You will be the only cat that I ever love, and I shall not pet, feed, or cuddle any cats of any other household in the world. I will always treasure my one and only true cat above any other cat forever and ever and ever.”
NO. OTHER. CATS. Unless they’re kittens whom I can mold in my image, and even that may be subject to change.
Dear Human,
I am unamused by "cat toys." Bottle caps are toys. And don't tell me that hair ties and bobby pins and Q-tips are not toys.
Dear Human,
I know I’m cute. I know I’m really really frickin' cute. Okay? It’s hard for me to deal with too.
And if you didn’t already catch on, I don’t enjoy being picked up and squished against your chest. You always grab me when I’m in the middle of something really important, like stalking a lady bug, or rubbing my paws on everything so everyone knows that it’s mine.
But when I want to cuddle, I will let you know.
And for what it’s worth, I appreciate you and all your squishes and hairless human-ness.
Oh, and I almost forgot - I love you, too, human.
-Your Cat
