One day you feel amazing, You are on the top of the world, and the next day you are knocked off your feet and in a puddle of self-doubt. You wear your mask to the outside world and put the hard exterior shell on. Inside your brain is a mess of what if's and what are they thinking about me. Other days you have no motivation to even get out of bed, so you lay there and do not talk to anyone. You cannot reach out to anyone because what will they think of you? Are you a failure? Did you do it all wrong? When will you stop feeling this way? When will all of these emotions go away? You leave the house and as you drive to work, your brain plays through every scenario that could go wrong while driving or even while you are at work. You are left tired and withdrawn from the world as the what if's swirl around in your brain. You ask yourself, "why do I have to feel this way?" Again you are forced into putting on a brave smile and sit through work constantly thinking of every terrible scenario your brain can create and imagine. It's hard to live life this way. When will it all go away? People ask how you are and the only word you can muster is "good" for the fear of them finding what is underneath it all. If they see the real you, no one will like you anymore, and you already live in the fear of people disliking you. You live constantly afraid of the next thing. You do not know what is going to happen and that is what scares you the most. It is not living if this is how it is. You search for someone, anyone to talk to, but in your time of need it feels like those who were closest have all abandoned you. They are nowhere to be found, and you suddenly fear that everything you imagined is now coming true and the guilt sets in. You blame yourself for every little mistake. You think back to every conversation and wonder what you could have said better or differently. It is hard. You do not know how you wound up here. How do you get out? What is the next right thing? Why is life still this way? People never stay. No one is ever truly ready to stick around through the darkest times. No one wants to be in a dark spot with you, they simply want to pat your arm and keep their distance. You shove all your emotions down and instead tell people once again, "I'm good, how are you"? Maybe if you can focus on someone else's problems, yours will all magically disappear. The brave, hard, impenetrable exterior goes on and your brain starts spinning, but the only way you know how to deal with it is to shove it all down and keep living.