Dear Chunky Peanut Butter,

You are ridiculous and an affront to American cuisine. You are a ruiner of sandwiches, corrupter of celery and other items that can be dipped, an absolute disgrace to the very ideals that this nation holds dear.

When I bite into a sandwich with soft bread and perhaps an amalgamation of flavors like jelly or marshmallow fluff or Nutella, I hold the peanut butter that pulls those flavors together to a higher standard. And to bite into that sandwich and to feel what is the culinary equivalent of peanut butter’s coffee grounds is not only disappointing but morally wrong.

Sure, some people like crunchy peanut butter. Some people also like to murder other human beings, or listen to music that consists solely of people screaming for five or six minutes at a time. The reality of the situation is that chunky peanut butter is a perverse condiment that should never be thrust upon an unsuspecting individual.

No one, no matter who they are or where they come from, should be subjected to the feeling of horror that accompanies biting into a sandwich, expecting a creamy, smooth, peanut-y experience and instead finding a horrendous excuse for a nut spread that is filled with crunchy and pathetic peanuts.

I ask you to do the world a service and simply cease to exist. Here in the land of the free, we as Americans have the right to add peanuts to our peanut butter if we so desire, but no one can remove each peanut from a spread that has been sullied by detestable chunks.

I must conclude my letter prematurely, for the discussion of your innumerable flaws and absolutely despicable consistency is inciting an anger in me that I have not experienced since I wrote my open letter to orange juice that has pulp in it. I bid you adieu and hope that you will strongly consider my proposal that you stop existing.

With contempt,

A passionate creamy peanut butter supporter

PS: Who even thought of you? I mean, really? Creamy peanut butter is such a brilliant creation to begin with. What "genius" was enjoying a delectable peanut butter experience and thought to himself, "Hey, you know what would make this sandwich better? If it had little crunchy chunks in it that made the entire culinary experience into a wild roller coaster of inconsistent texture and simultaneously corrupted the integrity of whatever flavors were paired with the peanut butter, whether they be jelly, bananas or marshmallow spread!" Absolutely preposterous. Shame on you for abandoning decency and morality.