I have spent years analyzing every bit of my life. This is what happens when you have an anxiety disorder. Every day is a constant struggle of wanting to fix the broken past and worrying about the doom of an upcoming future. If there is one topic I stray away from the most it has to be the topic of family. I thought in my early teenage years that it was the angst that kept me away from fitting in but in reality, it’s my ideals, my morals, and my sense of attitude that has kept me from joining the inner circle. So here is a letter to all my fellow black sheep trying to live life without the rest of the sheep to rely on.
I never want to bash or portray negative feelings towards any person relatively close to me. I just want to establish the disconnect that some people feel towards their flesh and blood.
To all my fellow black sheep:
I get it. I’ve been there. At some point, you feel as if you’re not enough, as if you’re not worthy to be loved by your family. Your viewpoints are different, your morals don’t align, and you feel alienated and lonely. You’ve been the point of discussion at most dinner tables. You’ve been the troubled child, the one who was constantly yelled at, or the least loved child.
Your family can either be your greatest asset or your biggest downfall. Obviously, I would not be writing this letter if it were my greatest asset, but I will not say it has been my biggest downfall, either. A combination of the two that has brought me to this point in my life. There are a few lessons I’ve learned throughout my time as the black sheep.
Just because you are dubbed as the black sheep does not necessarily mean that you NEED to be one. A label is a label for a reason. Humans often feel the need to explain what they do not understand. This, in turn, reverts back to the labeling of a black sheep. You are not what people think you are. You have friends, coworkers, classmates, and other people who see you as the person you portray yourself to be. Do not let the label own you. Do not let yourself feel that you must be the social outcast in every aspect of your life.
It sounds cliché but this isn’t your fault. You are not your mistakes, you are not your past, and most importantly, you are not a burden. You may consciously recognize this notion but sometimes it doesn’t mask the pain of feeling like the black sheep. If you are now or have ever been the black sheep of the family, you must realize that you are not the root of your family’s inadequacies to see your worth.
Lastly, just because you feel resentment and anger towards your family does not mean you hate them and that things cannot change. For some, separating themselves completely to avoid to toxicity may be the only way to heal. Others may find solace in the thought that there are others who also feel this way. Some may find inner peace by talking to the accusers about how they make that person feel. Find what helps you heal and move on. Grow and use this experience as a way to be a better person.
To all the black sheep, you are not alone and I can only hope and pray that you find some comfort.
